Over the course of my numerous decades on this earth, I have been quite an up and down kind of girl. This flip flopping earned me the name Sybil by those who know me best. The last 4 years or so I have taken on a new persona, Pollyanna. It has stuck quite well and I prefer my life as Pollyanna. I can make the best out of any situation. Always finding the bright side. I could walk into a room and light it up. People would say "how do you do that?" I don't know, I just did it and I love being that person.
The last couple months Pollyanna has been interrupted, if you will. I miss her and I am working so hard to get that back. Just when I think I've got it together I crumble. It's ridiculous and I hate it. I hate that I cannot pick myself up and put myself back together. I have always been put together, at least on the outside, I never appear otherwise until recently.
I have been so sad lately I know, blah blah blah. The last few days I have just been angry. Not like "man that makes me mad" but legit infuriation. I am not mad at God, He knows what He's doing. He knew all of this was going down. Am I mad at someone? yes. It's not who you think though.....It's this girl right here. If I could sucker punch myself in the throat I would.
I made a pact with myself decades ago to protect my heart. In the last few months I let my guard down. Spilled my innermost fears and dreams, allowed walls to be climbed. Maria does not let that happen. Thus the anger. In the beginning there was a tiny little voice that said "you know how this will end, stop now because no one will pay but you" Did I listen? Nope, Pollyanna politely covered it up with rainbows and tulips and continued down the yellow brick road.
I get it, I'm the idiot. I know. I have never been so angry. It was my job to protect me. Believe me, the influx of "I told you so" looks and sighs have been received. No one is to blame but this silly princess. I know better, I have always known better. Got it folks.
I apologize to those around me at the moment. I am not myself. Please know I am doing everything in my power to pick up these pieces and sift through the rubble. I have never been here before and I hate every moment. The lessons I am learning, suck. I get it now.
I know there are people in the world and even close to me with more serious, actual issues. This is nothing in comparison, but to me, it is my world. Dramatic as it sounds this is where I am. I hate it, legitimately hate it.
Everything IS gonna be okay...just not today.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Unredeemed
heartbroken [ hahrt-broh-kuhn ]
adjective; crushed with sorrow or grief.
No one has died. I have a family that loves me, I am healthy, I have a comfortable home, a brand new car, a great job with an amazing boss. I am truly a blessed girl and yet the 5 words of that definition is where I am. Am I being overly dramatic? It sure sounds like it. The "crushed" in this particular situation is defined as overwhelmed. Which is what I am.
Today was a really hard day. I want so badly to shake this and get over it. I let myself be consumed in what I was feeling. I would prefer to pull the covers over my head and just stay there. Today I did it. The part that concerned me is that I could've continued it for days.
I am trying to be a brave little soldier and take the constant advice of "get over it" I just can't. I've always been whole and put together. I've never had another part. My heart has always been mine and heavily protected. I've never had to deal with the other half of me being gone. It's the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.
I miss dirty little fingers. I miss endless nerf darts. I miss piggie back rides. I miss wine during football and silly/serious conversation. I mostly miss feeling whole....safe. I've never been in a position where I NEED someone. Now that I do there are no words to explain living without it.
I know that God knows what He is doing and I know that there is a purpose for this pain. Just because He is in control doesn't mean there won't be pain, loss or suffering. It means He knows and is holding my hand through it, not just watching me writhe from a distance. He has me.....and my other half.
We used the following song in a play a couple years ago and I've heard it 437 times. Only yesterday did it apply itself to my heart
The cruelest word The coldest heart
The deepest wound The endless dark
The lonely ache The burning tears
The bitter nights The wasted years
Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled
They may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled
They may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see It will not be unredeemed
He will wipe every tear
It will not be Unredeemed
You'll never know the miracle The Father has in store
-Unredeemed Selah
adjective; crushed with sorrow or grief.
No one has died. I have a family that loves me, I am healthy, I have a comfortable home, a brand new car, a great job with an amazing boss. I am truly a blessed girl and yet the 5 words of that definition is where I am. Am I being overly dramatic? It sure sounds like it. The "crushed" in this particular situation is defined as overwhelmed. Which is what I am.
Today was a really hard day. I want so badly to shake this and get over it. I let myself be consumed in what I was feeling. I would prefer to pull the covers over my head and just stay there. Today I did it. The part that concerned me is that I could've continued it for days.
I am trying to be a brave little soldier and take the constant advice of "get over it" I just can't. I've always been whole and put together. I've never had another part. My heart has always been mine and heavily protected. I've never had to deal with the other half of me being gone. It's the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.
I miss dirty little fingers. I miss endless nerf darts. I miss piggie back rides. I miss wine during football and silly/serious conversation. I mostly miss feeling whole....safe. I've never been in a position where I NEED someone. Now that I do there are no words to explain living without it.
I know that God knows what He is doing and I know that there is a purpose for this pain. Just because He is in control doesn't mean there won't be pain, loss or suffering. It means He knows and is holding my hand through it, not just watching me writhe from a distance. He has me.....and my other half.
We used the following song in a play a couple years ago and I've heard it 437 times. Only yesterday did it apply itself to my heart
The cruelest word The coldest heart
The deepest wound The endless dark
The lonely ache The burning tears
The bitter nights The wasted years
Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled
They may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled
They may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see It will not be unredeemed
He will wipe every tear
It will not be Unredeemed
You'll never know the miracle The Father has in store
-Unredeemed Selah
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