Hold on

"You are walking along the path I have chosen for you. It is both a privileged and a perilous way."
My devotional started out with these words. God has such an obvious way of pointing things out to me. I am always caught off guard by the subtlety of His words but so awestruck when I realize what's just happened. The God of the universe took a minute to show me how important I am in this crazy world.
I'm almost half way through my 40 day fast. I was unsure of what to expect. The last two fasts I did had a plan of what I intended to accomplish. I fasted, I prayed, God revealed and I saw certain things come to pass.
I started this fast without an actual outcome in mind. So many things have happened in the past couple of months. I had become completely unbalanced and felt like I was off the path that God has me on. My only plan was to recenter myself with Him. I knew I had lost touch with where I should be. The first week of this fast was very shaky. I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to get in the right frame of mind to focus solely on speaking and listening to my Jesus. The second week I completely fell apart. This last week has been a total turn around. When I read my devotional for tonight it all became clear. No matter how far I thought I was from God I wasn't far at all.
This road is not supposed to be smooth. It is truly privileged and most recently quite perilous. The last few days I have had the song "praise you in the storm" stuck in my head. Lately I have just let the storm overwhelm me. I was so wrapped up in my hurt, my feelings and my pain that I couldn't see Jesus in the boat with his hand out. He was waiting for me to grab it but I just let the waves keep pulling me under. This past weekend I saw his hand and finally grabbed it. He could've just pulled me out but it had to be my choice. Seeing as how I jumped off the boat in the first place. A good father lets his child jump from safety but will always be there to guide them back, no matter how much it hurts them. A parent never wants to see their child hurt but they know they will have to face it and will come out stronger for it.
I'm still in the storm but I am not alone. I am praising the one who brought me to and will bring me through the storm. No where are we promised an easy road. But we are promised that we will not have to face the peril alone.
I don't know what the next three weeks will hold but I do know that I will be holding on to the one and only person that can bring me through it.

Puddle Jumping

Maelstrom: a restless, disordered, or tumultuous state of affairs

This is word for word where I am at.
I am not crazy, contrary to what I say or do.
I was a bit lost for the last couple weeks, undescribably lost.

If you know me at all you know that I love sleeping. Sleeping is my favorite! You will also know that I love nothing more than sleeping during a thunderstorm. It is thundering outside and until 6 minutes ago I was in bed.

I literally lept from my bed to write this.

I have heard the word maelstrom before but never knew its meaning. Tonight it was in my devotional. When I looked it up I could not believe how it described exactly where my heart and mind are. You don't need the details of why or what the storm is exactly.

I stated earlier that I have been a bit lost, let me explain. The last few years have been the most pleasantly sublime of my adult life. No stress, no drama, no crazy. The last few weeks on the other hand have been nothing but that! In 2008 my life changed in that, my entire world came crashing down and God took all the pieces and made me whole, dependent only on Him and His plan. The last few weeks "my plan" has been falling apart and with that I let myself crash and turn into the girl I despise the most. She is, in fact, bananas!
There is a movie called "Peaceful Warrior" this guy has to come to terms with the fact that his life is no longer in his hands or how he has planned. There is a scene where this comes full circle and he is fighting with his inner self. The question he asks is something like "why can't I let you go?" the response is "because you don't know how to live without me"
Tonight I realized I was holding on to that girl that I know I CAN live without, but couldn't understand why I was holding on to her. As Alex says "she cray cray"

I am the happiest, silliest, funniest person I know! ;)
But the last couple weeks I have been an obnoxious, weak, angry girl who wants to sucker punch everyone in the throat! (On any given day I will still wanna punch someone) That is not who I am. On a daily basis I would look at myself and be like "what are you turning into?" I never wanted to revert back to that girl but I realized I had and it got the best of me and I hurt people I love the most due to my uncontrollable fits of ridiculousness. I am not justifying my behavior but I am saying I knew it wasn't the real me. I used to be able to breathe without being reminded, today I checked my pulse 3 times to make sure I was still working like I should. This is not normal.
I had a talk with my best friend and realized that I am holding on to a dream that is ruining my present. That is not the Ria you know and love! The last thing I wanna do is ruin my present. I love my life and I love who I am, not what I was becoming.

Let's revisit the maelstrom for a moment. It is described as a whirlpool of restless disorder. I will admit I feel my life is in that state and for the last couple weeks I have been the captain of that ship. Tonight I realized it is not my ship and I have no idea how to even drive the frickin boat. So I turned over the controls. I am still in the maelstrom. It's my mindset that is different. Chaos is in fact swirling around me. The terrifying unknown also there. Where am I? Smack dab in the middle while it is surrounding, sometimes suffocating me. The last couple weeks I let it consume me. Like I said in my last blog my windows still are broken but I am standing on my feet, that has never been more true. I am standing on my feet and my God, My Jesus, My savior is holding my hand and we are jumping in the puddles of the maelstrom. Don't ever pass up a chance to jump in a puddle! I am soaked and I am at peace.

I am also breathing.

Broken Windows

Today I had to let go of the most precious dream I've ever had.
My heart is aching my soul is screaming and my eyes are stinging. I want God to have total control over my life and I believe that He originally facilitated this dream into a somewhat reality. I know there was a point where my heart was like "screw reality you do what you need to so you can hold on to this as long as you can" That only lasts for so long before your heart ends up paying the price.
I'm Ria, I can hold crap together for a long time with no help from anyone. And I feel like in any other situation I'd still be standing there holding on to it. But I am certain with all that I am and all that is within me that God has complete and total control of this. This is not the end, although my heart will tell you a different story.

Every breath in feels like a mini heart attack and sometimes I forget to exhale. God's will is a tricky subject. It's so easy to say to someone else, cause it's not your heart on the line and it sounds so spiritual like you should have your own show on TBN. But when your heart is on the line the words "God's Will" are absolutely terrifying. But if your heart and trust and life are in His hands and you've committed to Him and no one else then it should be a breeze. NOT TRUE! I have committed to Him, I have turned it over for Him to take control. But I am human and my flesh is weak. My heart is frail no matter how big I talk. I am so scared that I just ruined everything I have ever worked for and will lose more of me than I am ready to give up.
I HAVE to believe that God knows all of this. He sees my shattered being and my endless tears. He knows I have trouble breathing and that my heart hurts. He also sees the end result. He knows. He's got this. This is His now. All my windows still are broken but I am standing on my feet. That's where I am and that is where I will stay.

Glitter in the air

I'm not feeling so good today. I know this is all part of the process and I am not complaining. It seems like all my defenses have started to come down and I know that it comes with the territory. How can I honestly expect God to come in and transform this mess without a struggle? It doesn't work that way. I committed to this and I do not quit. Although my anxiety is in overdrive, I need to trust that He will reveal His plan in His timing, not mine.
My life will not be in order tomorrow, but my heart will be more aligned with what He has for me than what I feel I have to have for me.

 
Have you ever thrown glitter in the air? It's starts out fun and it's so shiny and sparkly and unpredictably patterned. Then you look down and it's still sparkly but the beauty has dissipated and all you can see is a huge freaking mess. No matter how intensely you sweep there's always some rogue glitter taunting you knowing you won't win this battle. There is no other way to describe my life right now.
I'm a sparkly mess. I'm always the first to tell someone else to give it over to God and let Him take care of it for you. I should take my own advice.
This afternoon I needed to dispel some angst. While cleaning and blasting Metallica (I know, gasp!!) I had a revelation. My anxieties are a direct result of my inability to trust that God knows what He's doing. As hard as I try I cannot make things happen that I believe should be happening. There's a tiny part in my head where peace and serenity and understanding flow. I can breathe there and although the chaos still swirls I can rest knowing that my life is in perfect hands. It's the bigger part of my head that takes over and literally suffocates an otherwise pleasant Pollyanna and causes all sorts of nonsensical thoughts and actions to occur.
The goal here is to return to the Pollyanna I used to be. Not the girl who got lost in the shuffle and the girl who needs to control everything.
I'm not naive. Life is real and it hurts and it's a struggle. But when you're in the right frame of mind the glitter is gorgeous..... no matter where it lands. The clean up becomes an adventure rather than a burden.

day 5

Although I don't wanna punch a baby today I still feel like I'm grasping for understanding. I know Satan's plan is to jack me up during this fast and he's working me over pretty good. I just need to remind myself why I'm doing this and what this is all about. The key here is that it is not about me.

Remembering to breathe is becoming harder. Just take a breath, Ria. It's difficult to be the fixer and not be able to fix one flipping thing in your own life. It's not my job to fix. It's my job to give it to God and let him do it. That has always been a source of contention between us. "I got this God" has never worked out before and why 34 years in can I not get it together and just release what is His anyway. Because I am a control freak, I'm the boss. "Don't worry I'll take care of it, you go I got this". My brain is set for pit crew clean up all day every day.

This fast is not about losing weight cause I can do that. It's about refocusing and recentering myself with God's plan for me.

The last two months have been the best and worst of my life. All the jumbling and roller coaster emotions things I never imagined I could feel or would have to experience or would never experience. It was total high one day and body slammed the next day. Everyday something else, something intense, something amazing, something devastating.

The last six weeks are indescribable in the best and worst ways. I know God knows what He's doing. I'm not scared. I'm not anxious. I'm learning that all that stress and shakiness and anxiety goes away when I breathe and call His name. That's where I belong. Safe in his arms while the storm swirls around and knocks me over. He's there holding on to me for dear life. While I am clinging to Him like a three year old climbing a scary terrain with her daddy. "I got you baby, you're safe with me I won't let you fall. I won't let go"

40 day fast: day 4

My stomach is empty. My head is full of prayers. It seems like every breath I take has a prayer attached. Everything's jumbled and nothing is making sense but I'm still praying. My heart hurts. Not like a broken hurt, more like an uncertain hurt. I know that God has me in His hands. I know He knows my most secret desires and cries. It's not that I am wavering or feeling like He may have let me go. It's just so hard to keep it together. Falling apart is not a viable option. I feel like if I do let myself crash I am not trusting completely in Him. I do trust Him, but I'm human and I still hurt. I hate hurting. I hate crying. I hate when my weakness shows through. I can fix anything except for Ria. It's not my job to fix or protect her It's His. But it is my job not to fall so easily knowing the frailty inside. I know it. I jacked myself up. I knew what was going to happen and tried to convince myself that I could over overcome my past and be a big girl. Obviously this is not yet an option. Will I ever break free of the hold of my past and insecurities and weakness?