...if you want me to

My heart hurts tonight. I have this unshakable feeling of unsettlement. This princess is not handling things with the grace she usually does. Smile and nod turns into silent sobs.
Like I always say though, my Jesus knows how to handle this girl like only He can. This song came on and the words describe my current day to day, word for word. I am broken but I am His, in His hands, in His will.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world
that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer
my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

-Ginny Owens "if you want me to"

Get it together

I have had quite a few ups and downs lately. Just when I think I'm on level ground something trips me up. Yesterday was my last day at a job I have been at for 2 years. The stress that I was enduring there was enough to drive me mad. On Monday I start a new job. It's actually the same exact job I've been doing just in a different place and I'm excited about that new start.
A few years ago I wrote a blog called "sunsets" it's funny how God plays out my life. I am once again writing this from a house that is not my own, but has facilitated my greatest joy as well as my greatest heart break. I know God knows what He is doing and it is because of that peace in my heart that I can sit on this couch and type this with absolutely no regrets.
It is human nature to expect reciprocation. Whether you get it or not you still expect it. It's what I would do. I'm a reciprocator. Very few people in my life are. I'm just so used to doing I don't even consider getting. I never want to lose that part of myself. I never want to become selfish or ungrateful. When I see that characteristic in others I just want to scream. I am still here breathing and blinking only by the grace of God. No matter how many times I fall apart and no matter what the reason He always puts me back together with no expectation of reciprocation.
This is why He has my attention. God loves this silly, crazy, unbalanced girl. I don't fall into a category and I am not like others. I am Ria. However you see me is your perogative. I am the best friend you'll ever have and you will never know if I am your enemy. No matter what I think i refuse to make people feel less than they are. Even if you don't deserve my smile you'll get it with or without reciprocation.

My heart is big but extremely fragile. I only take risks I know are worth shattering it to pieces. I always pray that it won't happen but life goes on whether you can get it together or not. God is always there holding my hand. He says "baby, I got you. I'm not leaving you alone. I will carry you and put you back together. I'm not letting go" My Jesus has said this many times over the last couple months. Sometimes I get consumed with my circumstances and forget. No matter how many times it happens I hear the same thing. He does not say "seriously!??!! Get it together" its the same peaceful phrase.

He's got this Ria and she is going to be just fine.

The Master's Box

I wrote this quite some time ago. It's funny how God gives me words like these and I have no idea why.
I know they were written out of my heart for someone else. Somedays I get selfish and wonder who is gonna take care of me when I crash from taking care of everyone else.

Today I crashed, a wee bit. Folded my arms, stomped my feet, asked God "what are you thinking?!?" It's been a long day. As I was trying to wind down and just breathe my sweet Jesus reminded me of these words. I've only ever shared them privately. Today my heart hurts and the pieces are all jagged. My eyes fill with tears way more than my pride can deal with. These words are His rainbow to this little girl's storm.

The Master's Box

There is a box handcrafted out of the finest of all porcelain, pure, clean and perfect. The box sets safely in the hands of its Master Builder. The Master holds His box with the utmost of care and tenderness. He watches over it and keeps it from harm. 

The Master allows the box to suffer through the everyday world. Things come in and things go out. All the while the box is in His hands. 

Some days, though, the box trembles. The Master holds on tighter for He knows what's next. In a flash His box, His most precious design, shatters. Sometimes the pieces are too numerous to count. The Master holds all of the pieces of His box in His hands, He sifts through the rubble, tossing out doubt, fear, rage, hurt, sorrow and anger. He takes each piece and intricately rebuilds his box. 

Tears stream down his cheek for the trials His box must endure. It hurts Him so to watch it shatter but He knows each single piece becomes stronger with every restoration. He gets straight to His work and painstakingly restores His precious box until, once again, His box, made of precious porcelain, is whole again. 

Never once through the shattering, the sifting or the rebuilding does the box leave the safe refuge of His Masters loving hands.

Maria Alonge 6.11.07