Aht lo leh-vahd

     I love NCIS. I can get completely sucked in to a USA marathon of this show and not even realize I've just spent 7 hours watching tv. This last Tuesday was no exception. Ziva's father was killed last week and this week my girl was out for revenge. Of course everyone gathered around to help her through this.
She is from Israel and it is customary to bury your dead within 24 hours. It was these 24 hours that were documented on Tuesday.

Ziva is a very strong, independent girl who does not need anyone's help. She was so very intent on finding out who did this that she did not give herself a moment to grieve. That is how girls like us work. Can you tell why she's my favorite? I am by no means a ninja like assassin but emotionally I relate most to her character. Ziva was put into hiding and under watch of Tony DiNozzo. They have a very tight connection. He cares very much for her but takes a jab as often as possible.
The end of the show is near and while the NCIS office prepares to attend the funeral of the director's wife (killed in the same incident as Ziva's father) Ziva is preparing to return to Israel to properly bury her father.

At the airport Tony knows that Ziva is still in danger and asks her not to go. She states that she must do this. Tony then puts his arms around her and whispers "Aht lo leh-vahd" into her ear. Her eyes well with tears, she pulls away and says "I know" I turn to my momma who knows all things Hebrew and ask what he said and she had never heard it before. I assumed he said 'I love you" and left it at that. You then see the parallel of both funerals. Ziva is by herself picking olives at the garden of Gethsemane, praying at the wailing wall, and planting a tree. While her coworkers are together at an outdoor service. A beautiful song is playing called "Not Alone" my mother is in tears and I just thought it was a great episode. The next day at work, I look up what it was that Tony whispered to Ziva. I Googled it: Aht lo leh-vahd means you are not alone. To which I turn into a puddle. Texting my mom through tears about this revelation. It brought an entirely different spin on what I had seen the night before.

Long story even longer....I hadn't seen my sister Lisa since Sunday, it is now Thursday. I just had to tell her about the show. I start to speak and immediately tears are flowing uncontrollably from my face. I don't do that, least of all about tv shows. So I'm crying and in my head I know why but it also struck me as funny so I was laughing so hard, as was Lisa, at my unusual display of emotions. I get to the point where I am about to say what Tony said and even in Hebrew I couldn't get it out. Crying even harder, I cannot say "you are not alone" my sweet momma tried to help by writing it down but I was just a mess. I was trying to put myself back together and now Lisa wants to watch the episode. My father obliges and finds it on demand. I hear it from the other room and realize that I hadn't seen the first minute or two of the episode. Ziva is in a chapel praying and talking to God. She said "Why? Why should I not be angry? Why should I have faith in you? Show me a sign that I should not lose hope" Standing behind her is Tony. With that this girl folded and went to bed.

So now onto the tears.....I am very strong and very independent. I don't need anyone and I never really have. As my boys Simon and Garfunkel put it ...I am a rock, I am an island. That worked out just fine til July when being a rock and an island was no longer what I wanted. My mindset had changed and I was definitely okay with not living a life of solitude. Then, of course, the hammer came down and it all evaporated just as quickly as it came.
I have been safe inside my aloneness for quite sometime. Until the plates shifted, I never thought going back to who I was would be so difficult. The person in my life that calmed the chaos and re-centered me was now gone. My Tony if you will, the one who, when I was losing a grasp on things would sit beside me and calm the waves, was now gone. I wasn't asking for help it was just who he was, it was just being there that made it calm. I have always had my family and I know that they love me and they are here for me along with some extremely close friends. But since it all went away I have never felt more alone then I have in the last 4 months. So when I didn't understand what Tony whispered to Ziva it was okay cause I know he loves her and he just wanted to calm her nerves so he learned something sweet in her language to help the situation. On Wednesday when I learned what he really said it struck a piece of me that I cannot shut off. "You are not alone" I've heard it a million times I've said it a lot, but it has never been so close to me as it is right now. When I was telling the story I was bawling because I am so alone I have never felt this way and never had any reason to feel this way. Tony is not here whispering in my ear. It's just me.

I am not a sullen faced poor me person. I put on a very good show. This is no one else's issue. So no one needs to intervene. This is a journey it's all part of the plan. I know who my real "Tony" is and he is whispering Aht lo leh-vahd in my ear everytime the tears well up. I know He's in control and there is literally nothing I can do and that is right where I need to be. Full reliance on the One who truly has control and will never leave me staring at tail lights. My problem is patience, not disbelief. If it weren't for my Jesus I can assure I would not be here. His grace is what I am floating on and when my thoughts and my brain and my heart disturb the calm waters, He puts His loving arms around me and reminds me Aht lo leh-vahd. Even though this needs to happen 43 times a day. He is there...always.

Aht lo leh-vahd

Be still and know

Be Still and Know..........

These four words have been a constant throughout my adult life.
No matter what sort of chaos or trouble I seem to find myself in there is a moment when I finally shut up and hear these words.

My Jesus is very, very patient. Persistently patient.
I like to be in control.  Not like crazy, psycho, controlling, hose beast. I just feel like if something is not going the right way I need to step in and fix it. I can get things back in order and under control. Now there are certain circumstances where this comes in handy. For instance, 8 screaming babies and 2 frazzled teachers, I got it. I thrive in chaotic situations I can do it.  Unfortunately my "I,I,I" mentality is not always useful, in fact, it's quite the stumbling block for this Princess. If you know anything about my sense of balance or, let's call it, lack of gracefulness you know the last thing I need is an actual block in my path =)

I am Italian, strike that, Sicilian. I come from a very long line of very loud family. The term "be still" is only relevant if a spanking is approaching. Controlled chaos is my playground. I say "controlled" because I know exactly how to deal with it and if I don't I will figure out a way. So here's the part where God sits back and chuckles at the Princess who's "got this".

There have been many times where my life was turned upside down and I say to God "I will wait" after a couple weeks, days, sometimes hours, the Princess states to the creator of the universe "Don't worry I know you're busy, I got this" So He humors me and lets me fumble around Forrest Gumping my way in and out of what I think "I got this" means, then comes the part where this girl realizes she is running around in circles. I find a moment of solace and in that moment I hear a sweet whisper "Be still and know"

That happened about an hour ago.  I was singing some sweet worship songs when all of the sudden my mind went bananas with all of the things I supposedly have control of and can, or need to, take care of on my own. My mind cleared and my mouth graciously was shut. A peace came over me and I heard once again sweetly and firmly "Be Still and Know"

Now since I have heard this over and over I know what it means.....right???? I decided it was time to visit the dictionary. I looked up "still" and "know". I am in constant amazement at how God knows the exact thing I need to hear and the words that I need to make these things so clear that it is like being smacked in the face. (I'm Italian remember? we need a little extra push) If you have been close to me over the past couple months you know that my life has been a series of ups and downs, quite turbulent, if you will.

With that said I give you the definitions.
Still; verb - Free from noise or turbulence
Know; verb - To be aware of the truth or factuality; to be convinced or certain of

I read those words and this phrase took on a completely different meaning. If you've been in a plane you know that being free from turbulence is the best feeling ever. He's not just saying be quiet and have a moment's peace. This goes way beyond that. I can be physically still but my mind is in constant turbulence. I can know, but am I truly aware or convinced of the truth? Not til tonight. "Be still and know" sounds pleasant but it is a command, one which I usually blow off. I can sit for hours in silence, yes I can, but I am in no way still as it states above. This is a still that only comes from being in His presence. A still that requires me to know that He is holding my hand, holding it in a way that only He can, holding it to keep me still. It's so simple and at the same time so unbelievably overwhelming that someone loves me to this degree. There is a calming safety in grabbing someones hand and theirs holding back. It is simplistically beautiful and so very comforting.

I am so grateful that I had this moment tonight. I needed it more than I knew I did. So here I am holding the hand of the Daddy who loves his Princess more than life itself. The Daddy who gave his life for this little messed up bundle of chaotic noise. He's holding my hand and I am holding His back. Together we continue this turbulent journey. Only this go round, I know the pilot personally and I know that I know He is in control all I have to do is hold His hand and be still.

I will leave you with this: I have an extraordinary presence in my life and I call him Mike Miller. He has been a saving grace to me through the last few months. The prize in my Cracker Jack box, if you will. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me think...he also makes me coffee. I love him to pieces.  Back in the day my Miller was in a little movie called "Air Force One" He is the pilot, the captain of this very important vessel. His job is to get the president safely to his destination. The president knows he is safe in the hands of Colonel Axelrod. Hijackers take over and Axelrod knows of the impending danger and makes all the calls to handle the situation. He knows they are approaching the cockpit faster than they can land the plane. Axelrod turns to his crew and with great valor and authority says to his men "No matter what happens we land this aircraft, is that understood"? There was something about this line that just stuck with me. It's funny how this line comes to me almost as often as "be still and know". I get it now and understand how God puts everything into a perspective only this little Dory can comprehend! No matter what happens my Captain will land this plane and THAT is understood.

Finding Ria

Have you seen Finding Nemo?

Marlin has lost his son and has a mere...well...dingbat to escort him through his journey. They experience so many obstacles. After a glimmer of hope appears in a pair of goggles with an address they still face many obstacles. You can see that Marlin is becoming weary but he must get to his little boy and he still is on the path with the goggles of hope. After they out run a falling ship marlin notices they've lost the goggles to the dark abyss of the ocean. You can hear Marlin lose what little hope he was clinging to. Fish don't sink unless there's nothing left to swim for. This was that moment. He darts down after them but It's too dark, he's just lost what he thinks is his only chance to find his son. Dory, oblivious to the hopelessness, starts singing "just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming swimming swimming what do we do we swim" the last thing Marlin wants to do is keep swimming.

Have you been here? It's a crazy scary place to be. To be perfectly honest I am there right now. On the outside I'm very much Dory. Ask anyone I'm with for more than 30 seconds they can concur. On the inside though, I'm tired of swimming. I'm exhausted. There's too much up and down. I'm supposed to be over my grief. Apparently there's some sort of limit of acceptability to grieving. I'm the first to tell you to get over it and it's just time to get it together. I'm not a wallower, so my exhaustion stems from the continuous fight within myself to put on a good show. I'm a great actress and this is clearly the reason why Hollywood is in the state it's in. This way of life literally breaks you down. I'm not choosing this by any means.

There is unfinished business in my heart and I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is not nearly done with this situation. Naysayers of course are reading this and thinking I've completely lost all sense of reality. But its the mere reality of the situation and not the stubborn strong will of a girl in disbelief that has put me here. I know this is abnormal behaviour but I also know that there is more peace in my spirit when I believe that God has this and it is out of my control. My control consists of running, forgetting the pain and moving the heck away from the drama.

I'm a big girl. I've grown up and I know the difference between sitting in it willfully and being put in a position of waiting. So here I am waiting. Not putting my life on hold. Still living, still doing. My "doing" doesn't have quite the same fervor it used to but I am still doing.

This journey is marked with tears and scraped knees. God knows my struggle. He knows my heart is broken. He knows where every piece fits and only He knows how to put it back together, perfectly, stronger than ever. I never saw myself here. I never knew just how fragile this princess was. This chapter is revealing more about me than I ever knew and a lot more that I never wanted to know.