Worn

This morning during church I just started crying and proceeded to do so throughout the service. It wasn't the sermon because I hardly remember what it was about. I do remember telling myself to get it together and with every rebuke of every tear, two more fell. Sometimes I cannot control anything!
During the service I read my devotional for the day along with my Joyce Meyer devotional. Both spoke of letting go but knowing that no matter how pressed and crushed you become He is holding your hand and will bring you through. I also happen to be reading a book about letting go and God has been doing quite a work in my heart. I am a wee bit impatient and I prefer things to be done as if taking off a band aid....quickly. Well, this Princess of impatience is learning that it is a process and the tears that I have been holding back and admonishing myself for are all part of this process.  Without the pain the lesson will not be fully understood.
Everyday is a battle, everyday is something else, everyday is progress, but everyday my sweet persistently patient Jesus is holding my hand and progressing with me and at this point that is all that matters.

This song has been my cry and my prayer for quite some time now. 

It's crazy how these words describe my struggle at the moment. 

Sometimes I look in the mirror and this is the look on my face.
Just read the words....I know alot of us can relate to this some days.
The best part about this whole thing is that one day I am going
to look back on this and see that the whole time Jesus never let go of my
hand. He didn't say it would be easy and never promised that we wouldn't
struggle. I am reminded of this with every labored breath and every tear that
I cannot stop. God has reasons beyond comprehension for why we struggle.
The key is to remember who is on the front lines of the battle, it's not you.
He's fighting harder for you than you will ever know! 

Worn 

Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

‘Cause I'm worn

I know I need

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

My prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn

Even before the day begins

I'm worn

I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn

So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

‘Cause I'm worn

Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though, I'm worn

I'm worn

Sawdust and Jellybeans

Look at the photo...What do jellybeans, sawdust and a radio have in common? For this little girl those 3 things represent serenity. 

     Weird? Let's take a little trip back in time to Bayshore, New York circa the early 80's.  1112 Nugent Avenue to be exact. This is the house I was born in. The first girl in the Alonge brood. My parents had no idea what they were in for. A princess in every sense of the definition all the good, the cute, and the incorrigible. 

     It was the best house in the whole world.  In the backyard we had an area with just dirt that my brother John played in for hours, creating the most imaginative cities and bridges for his matchbox cars and GI Joe's. In the center we had flat stones creating a baseball diamond for my brother Joe to practice on. Behind the ball field was the greatest swing set ever created. My grandpa (who lived downstairs) would push me on the bench seat til I pretended to fall asleep. Why pretend at 3? Because then my grandpa would scoop me up in his arms and carry me inside. I loved that guy! Behind the swing set a chain link fence protecting us from what we called "the woods" There are rumors that I climbed the fence in bare feet to defy the rules, I don't believe it. On the other side of the yard, our above ground pool. Me and the boys were very rarely inside. 

     Out front we had trees for climbing in the summer and endless amounts of leaves for jumping in during the fall. At one point there was a light post in the middle of the yard. There is an old legend that my mother tied a 25 foot dog chain to one side of the pole and on the other end was me. 

     All of this made it an amusement park of endless fun and activity. But my most favorite part of the entire property was a workshop my dad built on the side of the garage. My dad is a carpenter. To me that was the greatest occupation my dad could've had. I watched him build cabinets and transform kitchens. I realize it was a lot of hard work but he made it look effortless.  His skills are just fabulous. No one was better than my dad. 

     Now what does this have to do with the photo? In the center of my dad's shop was a table saw, under that table was a huge pile of sawdust. On a shelf he had a radio similar to the photo and he ALWAYS had a bag of jelly beans in the shop. I would spend hours in his shop when he was working. His radio was always set to the oldies station. The sound of the saw was like music to me I could listen to it forever. I would sit close enough to the table to play in the sawdust but far away enough to not get whacked with a 2x4. I loved sitting with my dad when he worked. He always let me eat his jelly beans and sing along to jailhouse rock. Besides sneaking a free ride in the arms of my grandpa, this was my favorite place to be. 

I was the happiest little girl and when I say these three things mean serenity it's because there is not any other experience in my life that I can recall that made me quite so content and peaceful. I didn't have a care in the world when I was in my dad's shop. I was his princess and he was my superhero carpenter daddy! 

     Recently, it's moments like this that I cling to. I've never been here before. It seems like I am in some crazy alternate universe. Where everything is going on around me but I just can't believe that this is my life. Not that I am saying I hate my life cause I don't. There are just too many times during the day where I am literally going through motions as if at the end I will be transported to my real life. It's hard to explain but I just feel like I don't fit anywhere. Of course, I belong to my family and love every minute of that chaos. Like I said it is hard to explain I just can't put it into words. Is there a time where I am not feeling this way? Yes, when I am asleep. This is why I try to go to bed as early as socially acceptable. I need to shut off the chaos in my head. The endless questions, the crying out to God at 4 in the morning for just a second of peace and understanding. This is also why I haven't slept well in almost 3 months. My plans are usually foiled. There is a quote I read, of course, now that I need it I can't find it but it goes something like this "Don't let the dark steal what God has promised you in the light" Nighttime is the most agonizing time of the day for me. This quote is repeated constantly in my head. 

     This is when I go back to the shop and the smell of the sawdust, the sounds of the saw, the music floating over the scream of the wood, and the taste of the jellybeans. Nothing could touch that little Princess, she was invincible. Only now, if that little girl could see the mess that I made of our peace and contentment she would be devastated.  I know this is only a season. I know that I know my God has me in His Hands.  I know He has got a plan that my cynical heart and worn soul cannot see today. But it's not for me to see, it is for me to trust. It is for me to believe. If my life was sawdust and jellybeans all the time I would not know the full and precious blessing of trusting a God I cannot see but, knowing that He's got me. I don't deserve this unwavering, unconditional, and constant love. I am the biggest flip flop I know. No matter what I say to myself, no matter how many tears I cry, no matter how worked up I get myself I just call out His name and I am immediately snapped out of it. Mind you, in 2 or 3 minutes I float right back into it. He knows and just like my Grandpa used to scoop me up and carry me in the house, my Jesus is doing the same. He loves this flip flopping, unstable little girl.  He knows what's on the other side of this and it is that single thought that brings me back to reality.

     It's an amazingly treacherous journey but I look up at Him and grasp His hand even tighter and we are going to make it up this mountain together. I cannot wait to see the view from the top, but until I get there, with every misstep and broken trail my Jesus is holding on to me and re-guiding my steps.

I can't see it but I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the top of this mountain, the end of this journey will be worth every grueling step.