Tsunami

     I'm struggling so hard today. This stupid battle between my head and my heart is so intense. I feel like this battle is constantly waging. Some days I handle it like a true princess with my head held high and a sweet smile. Then there are days like today, that just seem to attack me from every angle. If I could keep my heart out of it I could just walk right out of this like the strong independent girl I know I can be.

     There is a barrage of questions that flood my mind as soon as there is a moment of quiet. Sometimes the flood is a collection of one silly thing after the other just tumbling down the sidewalk, nothing dangerous. Then there is the Tsunami that comes without warning and leaves nothing but a trail of scattered thoughts, streaming tears and a restless heart. This is what has been building up the last couple weeks. Today is the point of impact.

     On the outside it's a simple minor league baseball game. I love baseball. The Sky Sox will lose cause they can't play. I'll pay $4 more for a Pepsi than necessary and probably eat some over priced poorly prepared food. It's baseball, this is expected.

     I know what you're thinking. Tsunami? Over baseball? Dramatic much, princess?
No. if you've been following this blog you know there's always something underlying. It's not just a baseball game. I've been anticipating and dreading this day for a while. The last game was amazing. I discovered Jake Elmore, cute and a great player (obviously not a sox) Literally one of the best days of my life. The game was rained out, no fireworks....sounds lame right? Not at all, truly the best day ever!

     I'm going with a group of people I absolutely adore. I love these girls! I feel safe and comfortable with them, with that being said I wouldn't have attempted this without them. They have no idea how this will or won't affect me or the reasons behind the drama. I am determined to do this and have fun no matter what. The part I will dread are the moments I drift off somewhere else. Most likely spouting off sarcastic quips about the sky sox but still somewhere else.

     It's those moments, in those seats, that the flood gates will burst.
Questions will start flying like foul balls (especially if the sox are up) things like: What did I do wrong? Why wasn't I good enough? Didn't I try hard enough? Should I have lost more weight? Cried less? Loved more? Is it possible that I am that unremarkable to not leave any kind of impression in someone's life? All of this time and it still doesn't make any sense. What happened? Why this and why that?

     I won't have a terrible time, I've learned to balance it. Baseball, Pepsi, friends and fireworks!!!! There's no way I'm going to let this outwardly affect my time with others i love. I know that inside this battle will rage like a mother. But I WILL have a great time. And at the end I will be exhausted........ But I'll survive and then tomorrow will be another day.....and I'll survive that day too. I will keep on doing this because that is what princesses do.

Yours truly,
Princess Ria

Puzzles

Everybody's life is a puzzle.

There's so many pieces that make up one's life. But there are people who are missing pieces. You see them in the street and you'll never know. They go through life, everyday, as if they have all the pieces and nobody ever knows differently. Its not everybody's business. You don't have to tell everybody about the pieces that you're missing if, in fact, you are missing pieces. You can just look at some people and know that pieces are missing.

Your pieces can be anything: family, marriage, a job you loved, people taken too soon or people who don't belong in your life that are wearing you down. Everybody is missing something. I know that in Christ I am whole. I know that He fills my heart I know that He supplies all of my needs. He is my best friend. He is everything that I need I'm fully aware of this fact but, I'm also fully aware of the fact that I have pieces that are missing.

I have an amazing family. I work with wonderful people. I love what I do even though it's messy and my back hurts and sometimes the babies are crazy. But at the end of the day I still know I have pieces that are missing.

It's been almost a year give or take a couple weeks. Some days it still feels like yesterday packing up the truck, tears that said goodbye and looking straight into the unknown. I thought that I'd be further along by now. I thought I could fill my life with other things. Some days it works, some days it's an epic fail. It seems like the days I try really hard to clear my mind its nothing but clutter, a horrible scene from Hoarders. It's ridiculous and I don't even get one of those professional organizers to clear the clutter. Some days my head is a mess and some days I'm completely fine but even on days when I'm fine I'll see someone or I'll hear something and I'll remember my pieces.

Have you ever done a huge puzzle and lost one piece? You think "there's a thousand pieces, I only lost one" Then that's all you notice. The one piece that you can't find anywhere.

I wish I could get passed the pieces and just continue with the puzzle but I know when the whole thing is complete I'll still see the missing piece and the whole picture is ruined.

That's where I've been for the last couple weeks. I have everything that I could need. So I step back and look at the picture and all I see are the two missing pieces. They don't know they're missing. But I do.

I don't know why this keeps happening. I try so hard to let go and move forward. I've been trying for quite some time to just walk away and leave this in the past. But it keeps coming back, mostly smacking me in the face. It's to the point where I can't tell who exactly is giving me this test. Is there unfinished business? Do I just keep walking? Do I stop and try to figure it out? Do I squash and run?

Like I said its been almost a year. I've tried all of those things and still the confusion mounts up as if this is brand new. Most people, myself included, would see this, squash it like a bug, and keep walking. I thought I did squash it like a bug.

My head thinks logically. It knows this is bull. It squashes, it keeps going. My heart on the other hand is a completely different story. It's as if someone else is in control. This is not the first time I've dealt with a broken heart. I'm a quick healer. I brush myself off and I keep up with the pack. This is the first time in my life where none of the tried-and-true remedies seem to work.

I don't know what all this means and I don't know why it won't go away. I don't know what to do about it.

I also know it's not my job to know. My only requirement is to be still and know that God is in control and it's in His hands. So when all the confusion and all the pain and all the tears flood my simple mind. I'm reminded that someone greater is in control. Some days the fire gets hotter than I can handle but I also know that I'm not in the fire alone. It's that simple thought that reminds me no matter what the outcome, no matter how many missing pieces, this little princess will make it out of the fire holding her Jesus's hand.