Natural Disaster

     We've all seen the news showing photos of the aftermath of a storm, an act of God, if you will. The photos are heart wrenching. Peoples lives scattered miles in every direction. Their belongings lost under piles of housing and vehicles and every so often a stray cow. The news always goes back once things have settled and talk to the people affected, usually standing in front of what used to be their home, sifting through the rubble to find anything to cling to, anything to help start over.

     By the grace of God, I have never had to physically endure this type of terror. I've always had a home, a family, a job, a vehicle. I am a truly blessed girl and I am eternally grateful for what I have been given and continue to receive.

If you've been following this blog you know that I equated my situation to a storm, a literal act of God. In no uncertain terms my entire life was picked up and violently shaken. It has been a long and lonely journey. In my last blog I felt as though the storm part of this had finally died down and for the last few weeks I have been sifting through the rubble trying to figure out where and how to start again.

Here is what I found:
A while ago I wrote a blog called "All Done? Not Yet" where I question what it was I was mourning. The confusion lasted as long as the storm and since things have cleared up my thoughts have been pretty lucid, dare I say almost grown-up like. Was I mourning the loss of my first true love? The loss of a little boy who filled my heart with joy? The loss of a relationship that was or wasn't or was it? It turns out that at certain points throughout this process it has been one or all of those but the last couple weeks I have realized that the one true thing I was and am mourning is the loss of a friend.

In my life I have had 2 friends that I considered "lifelong" You know which ones I mean. The kind that know what you are saying without using your words. The ones who share and attempt to achieve your level of sarcasm. The ones that you celebrate your 80th birthday with at the home. These friends. The ones who don't judge, the ones you can say anything and everything to. The first one has been memorialized in my blog "Wednesday's Child is full of woe" The second was the catalyst to this particular act of God I have been referring to for the last year.

I have heard all the inspirational quotes "people are brought into your life for a reason either they're a blessing or a lesson" "God brings people for a season in your life" blah, blah, blah. I have never believed that about this situation, not once.
I have been through a plethora of emotions and what I feel towards the situation. Hate was never an option. It never has been and at this point never will be.

Please don't get me wrong, I have friends and my family is amazing. I love love love the people that God has surrounded me with during this time and I know that without them I would not have made it. I love my friends.
But this friend was different, this friend was the kind you see in movies. The kind others wish they had. The kind that could kill me with a look and fix me with a smile. The kind that I felt completely unguarded with and did not require any sort of walls with. (clearly this is why I am where I am) I felt whole. I knew a bad day would turn around with a silly remark about how good the kitchen smelled.....if only I could smell it.

It wasn't about being in love. It was about friendship. It was about comfort. It was about barefeet and drinking from the same cup. It was simple, it was complex. It was fun, it was difficult. It literally was the best of times and the worst of the times. And to this day I would give anything to retrieve that.

This is what I kept from the maelstrom. This one true thing that I miss and still mourn. Even through the lucidity of my new mind and thoughts this one thing still makes no sense to me. I don't see the point. This part of my heart remains torn as I pick up the other pieces and put them in my basket. I am skipping out of this wasteland of brokenness with a huge smile on my face. This scar will remind me to be open but guarded. I will always be the same friend because that is who I am that is what is in my nature. I will always give more than I get and expect nothing in return. I am a true friend, a little broken but a lot more put together.

I leave you with this quote from one of my favorite movies:
"You only make a once in a lifetime friend, once in a lifetime" Stymy Little Rascals

Heartless

"Somewhere far along this road, 

he lost his soul

To a woman so heartless"

-Heartless by Kris Allen 

heart·less [hahrt-lis]
—adjective
unfeeling; unkind; unsympathetic; harsh; cruel

There's a lot circulating on the web about women being empowered.  "You're beautiful, you're smart, You're funny, blah blah blah" I get it. 

This is not about that woman. 

Have you ever met the woman described above?
She's cold and calculated.  She has one priority, herself.  She has no soul and her eyes, although beautiful, are empty.
She's a different kind of person.  One who can reel you in undetected and squash you like a bug all the while wearing a huge smile. 

I have had the tragic misfortune of meeting her......twice. Once as close as being a part of my family and the second time through a friend. 
Clearly they are 2 different women from 2 different worlds at 2 different times and ages in their lives.  Remarkably they are unrelated but should be banished to dwell together in a 400 square foot home with 1 bathroom for all eternity. 

Excuse me, I digress. 

This is how she works.  

She floats into a man's life too cute and flirtatious to ignore. She waits for him to take the bait and then her plan unfolds. She's super sweet and makes him so happy. She convinces him that this is it and they'll be together forever. He continues to do whatever she requires to keep her happy and ultimately his.

Marriage, a house, a car, a puppy maybe even a baby. He loves her. He works to keep things together.
Eventually small cracks start to appear in this fairytale. A fight here and there, a constant disagreement over the tiniest of details. He tells himself that this is all part of life and he works double time to re-ignite that spark from the beginning. 

 
Now he's working extra hours so she can be comfortable.  He's remodeling the house to her specifications. He's picking up more household chores and bending over backwards to keep the peace. This goes on for years. Little by little he's killing himself to make her happy which now seems to take more effort than ever.
He wants to buy her something special to make up for how he's obviously been letting her down. The gift is opened and he's waiting for the squeal of joy. Instead he's buried under a flurry of screaming and insults about what he should've gotten her instead. 

He tells himself to do better next time. 

Her plan is almost complete. 

He's got no more friends because she's pushed everyone out of his life except for her. He's still smiling. He loves her of course, he made a commitment. This is just a phase. It'll get better. 

He's got no idea there's almost nothing left of him. She is his wife, this has to work.  

He's not weak, he's not whipped. He made a promise. He's honest, loving and cannot see that he's too good for her. She's convinced him he's not good enough. 

Better get it together!

 
One day they have a sweet moment. "Honey, I love you so much I'm so glad you're mine"
He exhales. Everything is going to be okay.

Some time passes and one afternoon he comes home from work. 

Her bags are packed.
She's gone.
Operation: Devastation - complete. 

What happened?  She's bored with him. She's just not happy anymore. She's off to bigger and better things.

He's left alone. No answers. No absolution. She took his soul. She left him broken down and empty. She took everything from him. She's broken his spirit, his heart, his entire life ripped apart and stomped on. 

She drives away with a smile.

What's to become of this sweet boy? He retreats into a dark cave. He's still got his responsibilities and he has to keep going, people are depending on him. Who's taking care of him? No one, remember she pushed everyone away. Where does he live? Alone. In the home they built together. He's a walking shell of brokenness.

The first time I saw this transpire it was heart wrenching. I specifically remember the pain in his eyes no matter what the situation, it was always there. I will never forget that. The road to recovery was long and painful. The outcome has been remarkable, but I never wanted to see that again.

Two years later, I shook hands with a man. I looked into his beautiful eyes and saw that same exact pain. Everything I remember watching the other precious boy go through came flooding back in a four minute conversation about after school activities. I knew the whole story before he ever said a word.

It infuriates me that there are women who go around breaking hearts and sucking the life out of innocent, honest, loving men. They don't care what destruction they leave behind. This destruction does not just affect him. It affects everyone he comes in contact with. There are a lucky few who find the strength to rise above and live again.
In most cases it severely affects the next sap in line to truly love, honor and cherish him. It's not his fault. It's hers. Years of constant, daily beatdown. He believes he's incapable of being loved. He believes he'll never be good enough.  None of this is true of course, but until he believes that, he'll be trapped in this hell created by a heartless, soul crushing, life sucking, selfish woman. 

So on the flip side some men need to be reminded how important they are. 

This is for you:

You are beautiful. You are loved. You are worthy and you will be whole again.

-Ria