Shrapnel

This is a true account of my crazy life from last November. It was exclusive to Facebook but is now global.

This is not blog worthy but way too long for a status update.  That being said it is completely worth your time.

If you've been around me for the last couple months you know that I have had absolutely no desire to voluntarily leave the house.
Today being Thanksgiving we decided to go to the movies, something new, sounded fun.
I stopped in the restroom prior to the previews.  In the stall next to me I hear a huge pop and see a bottle roll under the wall....Someone has tried to sneak alcohol into the theatre...dun...dun...duuunnnnn. No big deal I continue and am about to exit the stall when I hear a bigger pop and see another bottle roll. The second pop was followed by a spray of wine at my feet. This woman, who obviously can't hold her liquor (get it?) doesn't make a peep. I wash my hands and return to the theatre.
Moments later I feel something on my leg, I reach down and come up with blood all over my hand. I was hit with shrapnel! I could not believe this was happening. I returned to the bathroom to clean my wound.  The bathroom is empty and glass bottles are strewn about.  The woman didn't pick up her mess. I went to find management, they gave me a bandaid.

So what have we learned:
     1. when your mom says put pants on you should cause you never know when you will be hit with shrapnel in a public restroom.
    2. Maria should not leave the house, cause come on, who gets hit with shrapnel in a public restroom?!??!!

Thank you life for validating my desire to not leave the house.

Snafu

sna•fu [sna-foo, snaf-oo]
— noun
1. a badly confused or ridiculously muddled situation

     Some days are good days.....most days are good days. Then there are days like today. I don't feel like I should have these kinds of days. I should rise above. I should see it coming and smash it to the ground. Well, today it smashed me.
    
     Now if you were with me today or spoke to me you were not aware of this event. Why? Cause I'm cool like that and made the decision a long time ago that this is my own private battle. I'm pretty fun to be around and no one needs to deal with me not being me. Let's face it, I'm hilarious and the world needs my jokes! 
    
     I have been back and forth with this thing and I just do not understand why I can't do this. I want so badly to leave this behind and run like the effing wind in the other direction. This was the argument I had with God before breaking down in the shower. It's crazy and unnerving how one thought can bring pure elation and at the same time, absolute devastation. I am so done and at the same time, so stuck.
    
     I feel like that is where the battle is. If it's done and over I should be done and over with it. Right? It's done. It's over. The signs were clear. They were everywhere, everyday. Then why the overwhelming confusion? Why the chaos in my head? Why the constant pull in my heart? Why the tears in my eyes? Why are there still all these whys? Enter the snafu.

     I don't know and I don't have any answers. My heart hurts. I am more lucid now then I have ever been. My body is clear of any altering medications. My mind is clear. None of it makes sense. The battle within is that I require things to make sense and I can't make sense of this one thing.
   
     This morning while the battle started to rise up I read this from the Bishop "The time God is really moving in your life may seem to be the lowest moment you have ever experienced. Most believers think that God works when the blessing comes. That’s not true! God is working on you, your faith and your character when the blessing is delayed" It was a gentle reminder and by reminder I mean slap in the face that I am exactly where God wants me to be. 

     My Jesus has such a funny way of bringing things around full circle. A few months ago I wrote a blog called "Aht lo leh-vahd" which at the time, turned me into a puddle of tears and mess. This morning I was catching up on the NCIS that I missed on Tuesday. There is a tense moment between Tony and Ziva where she says " I buried my father it was a moment of weakness I felt all alone" and Tony says "maybe my Hebrew translates differently because I specifically remember telling you that you were NOT alone" Open the floodgates, this girl lost it. There are moments of absolute chaos where I "feel" like I am all alone. Those moments are dark and terrifying. My mind and my heart are in two completely different places. My mind is logical, my heart is whimsical and completely illogical.  God knows my heart, He knows my hurt, he sees all of those tears that I hide from everyone else during "The Maria Show" He knows that I let the dark consume me. That's my human nature. At no point, in any of this, have I been all alone. That is the power of one's mind. It can convince you of anything and I always fall for it. 

     These days it doesn't take much to fall into it. Some days I don't even have to trip into it, some days I jump! I am NOT alone. At the lowest points, when I am physically alone and think there is no way it will ever change, My Jesus is right there. His loving arms are wrapped around this heap of chaos. Even when I don't acknowledge His presence it is there and He is there holding on and waiting for the darkness to pass. 

     It was a beautiful day but inside there was such a storm raging. This little boat was being tossed all around. I drowned it in Pepsi (which by the way was not a good idea). I vacuumed the crap out of the carpets and scrubbed my car like I was cleaning up a crime scene. I did all of this to avoid dealing with the chaos. It was the reminder of what TD Jakes said that stopped the tossing of this little boat. 

     God is moving in my life. He IS doing a work that, for the moment, is unseen. My job is to sit back and trust the unseen. I can see a lot of things and believe them but true faith is trusting in the unseen. It will still be a battle but my partner will always be right there holding my hand reminding me aht lo leh-vahd. He is my one true best friend and He will always do what is necessary to protect me. 

     I will leave you with this. This is part of a song from the band Shane and Shane. It perfectly encompasses where I am

Though You slay me, 
yet I will praise You
Though You take from me, 
I will bless Your name.    

Mommies

Tomorrow is mother's day and this morning over a bowl of Farina (aka cream of wheat) I realized how much my mother has done for me. Farina? Really?

Let me explain, for the last 3 decades any time I have farina I only eat the outer sides til I get to the bottom. This morning I was wondering why. Then I remembered that when I was little my Momma said "do it like this cause the outside is always cooler" DONE. Set in stone, always has been always will be.
There is so much of my momma in me whether I know it or not and it comes out in little things like this. She is an incredible woman. She loves Jesus, she loves her family and she never expects anything in return except for maybe a banana split. I can only hope one day to be half the woman that she is. My Momma is so strong and never gives up. I have so much respect for this woman I cannot believe how lucky I am to have her all to myself. She loves me unconditionally and makes me laugh like no one else can.

Speaking of lucky, I have been so very fortunate to have more than one mommy in my life. My Aunt Rosie is literally my other mother. She has always been the balance of motherhood for me. My auntie has always treated me like I was her's and there's no better feeling. She is the comic relief that is needed in life and she is somewhat magical to the little girl inside who see's her as a fairy godmother always putting a smile on my face and loving me with out condition. I love her to pieces!

Speaking of pieces, My Aunt Mary provided pieces that no one else can and no one else will. My Auntie met me when I was 9 and she did a great job of closing that gap like it never existed. She is my movie buddy. Without her I would have never known what really happened to Jack and Rose and one day he's gonna get on that door and float to safety with Rose! She has such a sweet disposition and I get so excited whenever I see her face!

Speaking of fairy Godmothers there is my Parrina. The angel in my life. This woman was a superhero as far as I was concerned. She would hit me with a shoe from around the corner and always have candy hiding in her apron for me. She had more love in her little body than anyone else in the planet. If you've never had a Parrina you have missed out on having an angel here on earth. I miss her terribly but I love that sometimes I can be compared to her.

Speaking of missing them terribly, there's my grandma's. These women could not be more opposite from each other. But Lord knows I need balance and he gave it to me with these ladies.

My Grandma Josie lived with us almost my whole life. She was the life of the party even if she was just at the bank. She knew everyone and everyone knew her and I was proud that she was MY grammie!

My Grandma Rose did not live with us so going to her house was always like getting a prize. She did so much to make our visits special. She just loved to watch the chaos that 5 children running through her little house could cause. She was always open for hugs and kisses from all of us all the time. I buy ivory soap just to keep her memory with me all the time.

I strive to be everything that these women have contributed to my life. God has blessed me immensely with these women and I don't know what I did to deserve them but I am so grateful for each of them.

Thanks Ladies!
I love you so very much!
Happy Mother's day!