This last month has been a past dredging, soul sucking, unbelievably rough month.
No one died. No one left. No one arrived. No moving. No Hellos. No Goodbyes
I have been back and forth about writing this blog. I also know that unless I get this out it will forever be the splinter in my hand. It's there but it hurts too much to take out. Thanks to my very special friend Miss Eliza Love for posting the quote above I have decided that it's time to remove this splinter. This story has never been told. I've never been more stressed and more sure of the need to do something as I am with this.
I have been back and forth about writing this blog. I also know that unless I get this out it will forever be the splinter in my hand. It's there but it hurts too much to take out. Thanks to my very special friend Miss Eliza Love for posting the quote above I have decided that it's time to remove this splinter. This story has never been told. I've never been more stressed and more sure of the need to do something as I am with this.
We've all seen or heard those quotes about you being in charge of your own destiny and how only you can control what happens to you and you are in control of how you feel. If you don't like it, change it. Blah, blah, blah. I believe that to be true to a certain degree. I can also argue against that because I am proof that you are not always in charge of what happens and how some events set the stage for the rest of your life.
I have said before that God was doing an intense work in my life in 2008. The fiasco leading up to the 2008 episode happened almost 15 years before.
Let's take a trip back to 1993, before I ever had a multi platinum selling CD....oops..Sorry, wrong blog.
I was 14. Like most 14 year old girls I was an overdramatic mess. Why? Because I was 14. Like all 14 year olds, I knew everything. I knew what was best and I certainly knew and understood more than my parents ever could. This mindset is what led to my ultimate demise.
I was part of a great church with a good youth group. My youth pastor was the most wonderful person ever. He was so caring and listened to every dramatic thing I ever had to say. He always checked up on me and made sure I was okay, he was my very best friend in the whole world. On our first youth trip another youth pastor made a sarcastic remark to him, which I thought was hilarious. He took me aside and said "I'm your youth pastor now, you need to defend me" Check. Done. (This will come back to smack me in the head) He put me in charge of "adminsterial things" and I was the happiest girl you ever saw......or was I?
I was 14 so I unloaded everything on him, cause he loved me and cared for me, remember? We had a very odd relationship. He would snap his fingers and I would jump. I did anything and everything I could to make him proud of me. He was very arrogant and very demanding of me and what I did with my time, where he was involved. My loyalties were to him above all else. I never wanted to let him down and this girl did a lot of lying to get out of the house so I could get things done for him. It sounds hinky but they were stupid things, like paint his office, create event flyers, pose as his sister to buy a motorcycle. All above board things but things I had to lie about cause I was 14 and spending enormous amounts of time with a single 21 year old was not on my parents list of acceptable activities. In case you forgot I was smarter than them at that age.
He knew he had me at his beck and call. Sometime after we had created this weird bond, my very best friend informed me I was overweight but that he would help me. I was to write down everything I ate, along with every bit of exercise I did. This went on for months I spent days eating carrot sticks. I turned in all of my papers to him and waited for my next mission. I was in his office one day and saw all of my papers wadded up and in the trash. Every self deprecating word of every meal and jumping jack tossed in the trash. It was never spoken of again. But he loved me right? of course he did. So I pretended like it was nothing, just like everything else.
I would get reprimanded for the dumbest things. I was told that I was not being a good enough friend to him when I would join in on jokes with the other kids my age. I was advised that my attitude was inappropriate and that he and everyone else had to walk on eggshells around me because I was acting like a baby. I was held to a higher standard. If I didn't get a talking to, I got a look. I always apologized and reiterated how blessed I was to have someone like him in my life and how lucky I was that he wanted to make me better. He loved me, remember? He just wanted what was best for me......Enter Stockholm Syndrome. By this point he could have knocked me through a wall and I would have cleaned it up and made sure his hand was okay. I was too far in. I was too young and nobody else was treated this way. I was special, I was handpicked. He loved me, remember?
One day he announces that he is going to leave and attend college in another state. I was crushed. I was now 15 slightly more dramatic and a complete mess. Of course, my life was over. "The only person who ever really loved me" was leaving. Just typing this I wanna slap myself.
I don't quite remember the timing of the next bombshell, it was a couple months or so after he had left. There was a rumor that he may have gotten a little touchy feely with a couple of the girls. Remember, I was his favorite and he loved me the most. My first thought was that the story was bull. I knew these girls and they had always made up stories to sound like they were his favorite. I knew better. These girls were liars. I was never abused. How could it be true? I, alone, defended this man. For years and then some to everyone and anyone, even my brother. Deep down inside of course I knew it was true, but I had a job to do.
That line cost me everything.
How about we cover this with dirt, push it way down and move on with life? Check. Done.
I was 14 so I unloaded everything on him, cause he loved me and cared for me, remember? We had a very odd relationship. He would snap his fingers and I would jump. I did anything and everything I could to make him proud of me. He was very arrogant and very demanding of me and what I did with my time, where he was involved. My loyalties were to him above all else. I never wanted to let him down and this girl did a lot of lying to get out of the house so I could get things done for him. It sounds hinky but they were stupid things, like paint his office, create event flyers, pose as his sister to buy a motorcycle. All above board things but things I had to lie about cause I was 14 and spending enormous amounts of time with a single 21 year old was not on my parents list of acceptable activities. In case you forgot I was smarter than them at that age.
He knew he had me at his beck and call. Sometime after we had created this weird bond, my very best friend informed me I was overweight but that he would help me. I was to write down everything I ate, along with every bit of exercise I did. This went on for months I spent days eating carrot sticks. I turned in all of my papers to him and waited for my next mission. I was in his office one day and saw all of my papers wadded up and in the trash. Every self deprecating word of every meal and jumping jack tossed in the trash. It was never spoken of again. But he loved me right? of course he did. So I pretended like it was nothing, just like everything else.
I would get reprimanded for the dumbest things. I was told that I was not being a good enough friend to him when I would join in on jokes with the other kids my age. I was advised that my attitude was inappropriate and that he and everyone else had to walk on eggshells around me because I was acting like a baby. I was held to a higher standard. If I didn't get a talking to, I got a look. I always apologized and reiterated how blessed I was to have someone like him in my life and how lucky I was that he wanted to make me better. He loved me, remember? He just wanted what was best for me......Enter Stockholm Syndrome. By this point he could have knocked me through a wall and I would have cleaned it up and made sure his hand was okay. I was too far in. I was too young and nobody else was treated this way. I was special, I was handpicked. He loved me, remember?
One day he announces that he is going to leave and attend college in another state. I was crushed. I was now 15 slightly more dramatic and a complete mess. Of course, my life was over. "The only person who ever really loved me" was leaving. Just typing this I wanna slap myself.
I don't quite remember the timing of the next bombshell, it was a couple months or so after he had left. There was a rumor that he may have gotten a little touchy feely with a couple of the girls. Remember, I was his favorite and he loved me the most. My first thought was that the story was bull. I knew these girls and they had always made up stories to sound like they were his favorite. I knew better. These girls were liars. I was never abused. How could it be true? I, alone, defended this man. For years and then some to everyone and anyone, even my brother. Deep down inside of course I knew it was true, but I had a job to do.
That line cost me everything.
How about we cover this with dirt, push it way down and move on with life? Check. Done.
Needless to say I was a disaster. My life turned in a way I never imagined. I had lost every friend I had ever made. I never knew why. I am sure just reading this, you already figured it out. So I made new friends at school, we started attending different churches and no one ever knew anything, besides, what was there to know?
In 2000, I was still reeling from this empty part in my life. Which part? The part where this man left me and broke me. I knew he was the only one who could fix me. I was on a mission to find him. Once he was back in my life I would be fine. He was my best friend, remember? I defended him. He loved me.
I find out that he was working for a call center and I immediately applied. I have never had a desire to work at a call center but I sold the idea to the family as if it was my life goal. Finally, one day, there he was. Remarkably, there is no long awaited embrace. No apology. Just "Hey" After a couple of months he realized that I was becoming friends with people he knew there. To eliminate the stress of me spilling the beans, I was taken out of the equation and he had me nanny for his kids. Mind you, my family had no idea who he was. He was referred as "my boss" months later when it was revealed to my mother I literally watched her heart break across the table from me, sorry Mombo.
I will not go into details but this was not the man I remembered. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the verbal abuse towards his beautiful wife. Maybe the physical abuse towards his precious baby boys. Perhaps the beating of his sweet chocolate lab. It could've been the weed or maybe the cocaine. I just couldn't put my finger on it, but something was off with him. I knew who he really was and one day he was gonna fix everything. You probably already know, he didn't fix anything. So I had to change my mindset, his wife and kids needed someone neutral, someone to remind them who he really was and everything would be okay. Right? I was a nanny for a little over a year. I saw and heard things nobody ever should have to. I would sit with the babies and cry because I was so torn. My heart kept saying "you know him, this isn't him" and my mind was like "grab those babies and run" He was on a vicious downward spiral and my presence made it worse. One day he said they changed their hours at work and they didn't need me anymore, no goodbye. It was over. Just like that.
Abandoned, again.
Abandoned, again.
Now let's fast forward to 2008. We had just closed our restaurant. I was out of work. I moved in with Pete about a year before to "help him" through a rough patch. Well, I am no longer employed and basically Pete is taking care of me. No job, no life, no incentive to live. Let's just lay on the couch for 5 months and sob. The only time I left the house was to go to choir practice at New Life, where I would sob. I am saying this because I don't cry and I sure as heck don't do that jazz in public. One night we were worshiping during practice and Ross Parsley said, "some of you are crying and you think that is because of all the pain inside" (What pain? I live off my brother and don't have to work) He continued "it's not the pain that is hurting you, it is God pushing His way out from the junk you threw on top of Him" ("What junk? You're crazy, Ross, but since I cannot compose myself I have to leave")
It was a very weird time. I had an obscene amount of alone time. Some days out of nowhere I would get these flash backs to conversations I didn't remember having, we like to call those, repressed memories. These conversations consisted of odd comments made by said youth pastor when I was 14. Things like "I hate when people can see through the windows of my office" Silly, when I was 14. Terrifying, when I was 30. Little by little God was revealing the true nature of this man and the affect he had on me. The lasting affects, most of which I had no idea occurred. The more God revealed, the clearer things became. I have always been overweight and unless I was with my family or close friends I would never let anyone watch me eat. It was a silly quirk that I never gave a second thought to. When I was a nanny this man asked me if I wanted something to eat and I said no. He snapped back and said "why won't you ever eat in front of me?" I didn't have an answer, then. During this deep cleaning God was doing I was reminded of this stupid question and then reminded of the reason. He monitored everything I ate for almost a year and a half. At this point I completely fell apart. I had no idea what was going on and I had no idea where these things were coming from and why after 15 years were they popping up out of nowhere. I had no one to reconcile with and God forbid I spoke of it! This was ridiculous. I think Pete honestly thought I had snapped and needed to be committed.
Through all of this, I never spoke of it to anyone I knew. I mentioned the chaos to a therapist friend one day and I said "I don't know what's happening I was over this, I am over this. He never touched me so why am I acting like I was the one who was abused" She stared at me as if she was shocked that it never occurred to me and she said "You were abused, probably the worst of all" I was like "didn't you hear me say nothing ever happened to me?" She then explained the cause and effect of psychological abuse and that at 14, an overly emotional girl doesn't know what that means and would have no way of thwarting the damage cause it was seen as love not abuse. With that I crumbled, went home wrote a poem and shut it down. I never ever brought it up again. Now don't get me wrong the girls that were abused have been through hell since the experience, the difference is that they knew something happened at the time. They had an evil deed to refer to and blame, it was obvious. I did not have that.
Now back to my initial statement, this one chapter of my life set a course I had never planned. This one person, changed the course of my life. Yes, it can happen. I was at an impressionable age, I didn't know anything was happening that needed to be stopped. From that moment on I was always on guard and cynical. I thought I was just a jerk with a bad attitude. Little did I know my brain was trying to protect me from allowing that chaos in again. Finding this out when you're 30 is practically debilitating. All of the flashbacks and all of the things God was showing me was the answer to a prayer that I forgot I had prayed during my senior year of high school. I prayed fervently everyday that God would not let me wake up the next day. From 15-19 I had attempted suicide 4 times. My mind kept telling me that I had done something wrong, because he really loved me, why would he just abandon me? It was me, not him. This went on for years until 2008. I finally had time to do absolutely nothing. God knew what he was doing, His timing was perfect, as always. Had I been employed when all this went down, I'd be writing this from my padded room.
If you've been following this blog you know I started writing because I had a broken heart. It's been the longest 2 years of my life. Why is it so hard to get over? Girls get over this stuff all the time, relationships don't work out, he moved away. I should really be able to deal, but I couldn't. About a month ago, I started struggling with this again. I needed God to tell me why this won't go away. Last Tuesday I was speaking with one of my most wonderful friends whom I had lost when I was 15 due to my shenanigans. We rekindled our friendship about 5 years ago and I am so beyond blessed to have this girl back in my life. We were at a baseball game and were discussing the demise of our youth pastor and the affect it had on both of us. I never put it all together that this man took everything away from me. I lost 15 years with this girl because of him and what I did for him. I had no idea, I just assumed she moved on with her life and didn't need me. It was not the case and I am so grateful for forgiveness and for her presence in my life. On Saturday I was driving and I was in the most terrible place, mentally. For a flash second I wanted a car to slam in to me. Not to kill me (cause what would you do with out me?) I just wanted to be out of commission for a bit. That thought scared the bejeezus out of me and I cried the whole way back to my house. Deep inside I know why I can't let go of it. Just like when I was 14, this was all my fault. My relationship from 2 years ago ended because I did something wrong. I was too fat, I didn't like golf. I was too much of a princess to go camping. That's why it was so easy for him to cut me off and leave me heartbroken. It was my fault. So fine, now what? I admit the problem, "God can you please take it away now?" My cry was "God what do you want from me?" He said "get rid of this" I said "I did, we're done, there's nothing left" I left that mess in the car and walked in the house with a smile.
We went out for father's day and the youth pastor came up in conversation, 22 years later I find out that my mother had no idea that he abused those girls. She was angry and asked if I knew what he did why did I seek him out and agree to be the nanny? I said I am not going to get into this right here in the middle of Zio's. I purposely sought him out. I consciously made the choice to find him. I needed him to fix me. When I saw that wasn't going to happen I needed to fix him. My loyalties were still with him. Maybe after all this time he would see that I still loved him no matter what and he could finally be proud of me. I didn't know any different at that time. My concern was his happiness, not my safety.
You know that moment before the pot boils, you can just hear the tension? That was me. Then I saw the quote from my Miss Love and God said "I'm not going to tell you again, get rid of this" "This" has been a part of me and only me for 22 years. No one knew and no one needed to know. It's been like a tumor taking over me. It was my battle, I would fight it. No one needed to get caught in it. Everything in my life has been a direct result of the psychological abuse that occurred when I was 14.
I have got to put this out there, out of me, and let it go. This has been an incredible burden to bear. I cannot carry it any longer. I am making peace with my past. I am pulling this out at the core and exposing it for what it was. I have to move on. No matter how I felt I have never been alone through any of this. God has replaced the most important people that I pushed away. He has walked, carried and dragged me through everyday of my life. I cut people off and shut people out, even my family, because I was so ashamed of who I was and why I was that way. I am not anymore. I am a Princess. I am grateful for the breath in my lungs and the loving, understandingly patient family and friends that God has truly blessed me with.
Below is an excerpt from a song called Unredeemed. I will be performing it on Sunday to accompany a skit at church. I have been super stressed because I stopped singing about a year ago. I let my passion go and kept the chaos. I expressed my struggle in singing the song with a pastor friend of mine and he said "I heard you sing this song. This song is part of you" I have used this as a blog and for a friend in need but I have never associated it with my own struggle....until now.
Through all of this, I never spoke of it to anyone I knew. I mentioned the chaos to a therapist friend one day and I said "I don't know what's happening I was over this, I am over this. He never touched me so why am I acting like I was the one who was abused" She stared at me as if she was shocked that it never occurred to me and she said "You were abused, probably the worst of all" I was like "didn't you hear me say nothing ever happened to me?" She then explained the cause and effect of psychological abuse and that at 14, an overly emotional girl doesn't know what that means and would have no way of thwarting the damage cause it was seen as love not abuse. With that I crumbled, went home wrote a poem and shut it down. I never ever brought it up again. Now don't get me wrong the girls that were abused have been through hell since the experience, the difference is that they knew something happened at the time. They had an evil deed to refer to and blame, it was obvious. I did not have that.
Now back to my initial statement, this one chapter of my life set a course I had never planned. This one person, changed the course of my life. Yes, it can happen. I was at an impressionable age, I didn't know anything was happening that needed to be stopped. From that moment on I was always on guard and cynical. I thought I was just a jerk with a bad attitude. Little did I know my brain was trying to protect me from allowing that chaos in again. Finding this out when you're 30 is practically debilitating. All of the flashbacks and all of the things God was showing me was the answer to a prayer that I forgot I had prayed during my senior year of high school. I prayed fervently everyday that God would not let me wake up the next day. From 15-19 I had attempted suicide 4 times. My mind kept telling me that I had done something wrong, because he really loved me, why would he just abandon me? It was me, not him. This went on for years until 2008. I finally had time to do absolutely nothing. God knew what he was doing, His timing was perfect, as always. Had I been employed when all this went down, I'd be writing this from my padded room.
If you've been following this blog you know I started writing because I had a broken heart. It's been the longest 2 years of my life. Why is it so hard to get over? Girls get over this stuff all the time, relationships don't work out, he moved away. I should really be able to deal, but I couldn't. About a month ago, I started struggling with this again. I needed God to tell me why this won't go away. Last Tuesday I was speaking with one of my most wonderful friends whom I had lost when I was 15 due to my shenanigans. We rekindled our friendship about 5 years ago and I am so beyond blessed to have this girl back in my life. We were at a baseball game and were discussing the demise of our youth pastor and the affect it had on both of us. I never put it all together that this man took everything away from me. I lost 15 years with this girl because of him and what I did for him. I had no idea, I just assumed she moved on with her life and didn't need me. It was not the case and I am so grateful for forgiveness and for her presence in my life. On Saturday I was driving and I was in the most terrible place, mentally. For a flash second I wanted a car to slam in to me. Not to kill me (cause what would you do with out me?) I just wanted to be out of commission for a bit. That thought scared the bejeezus out of me and I cried the whole way back to my house. Deep inside I know why I can't let go of it. Just like when I was 14, this was all my fault. My relationship from 2 years ago ended because I did something wrong. I was too fat, I didn't like golf. I was too much of a princess to go camping. That's why it was so easy for him to cut me off and leave me heartbroken. It was my fault. So fine, now what? I admit the problem, "God can you please take it away now?" My cry was "God what do you want from me?" He said "get rid of this" I said "I did, we're done, there's nothing left" I left that mess in the car and walked in the house with a smile.
We went out for father's day and the youth pastor came up in conversation, 22 years later I find out that my mother had no idea that he abused those girls. She was angry and asked if I knew what he did why did I seek him out and agree to be the nanny? I said I am not going to get into this right here in the middle of Zio's. I purposely sought him out. I consciously made the choice to find him. I needed him to fix me. When I saw that wasn't going to happen I needed to fix him. My loyalties were still with him. Maybe after all this time he would see that I still loved him no matter what and he could finally be proud of me. I didn't know any different at that time. My concern was his happiness, not my safety.
You know that moment before the pot boils, you can just hear the tension? That was me. Then I saw the quote from my Miss Love and God said "I'm not going to tell you again, get rid of this" "This" has been a part of me and only me for 22 years. No one knew and no one needed to know. It's been like a tumor taking over me. It was my battle, I would fight it. No one needed to get caught in it. Everything in my life has been a direct result of the psychological abuse that occurred when I was 14.
I have got to put this out there, out of me, and let it go. This has been an incredible burden to bear. I cannot carry it any longer. I am making peace with my past. I am pulling this out at the core and exposing it for what it was. I have to move on. No matter how I felt I have never been alone through any of this. God has replaced the most important people that I pushed away. He has walked, carried and dragged me through everyday of my life. I cut people off and shut people out, even my family, because I was so ashamed of who I was and why I was that way. I am not anymore. I am a Princess. I am grateful for the breath in my lungs and the loving, understandingly patient family and friends that God has truly blessed me with.
Below is an excerpt from a song called Unredeemed. I will be performing it on Sunday to accompany a skit at church. I have been super stressed because I stopped singing about a year ago. I let my passion go and kept the chaos. I expressed my struggle in singing the song with a pastor friend of mine and he said "I heard you sing this song. This song is part of you" I have used this as a blog and for a friend in need but I have never associated it with my own struggle....until now.
"For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed"
