Disclaimer: This blog will be a pathetic-boohoo-my life is so sad-story. I know there are serious tragedies occurring at this moment. Just so you know, this has nothing to do with them.
Have you ever seen the movie "Stranger than Fiction"? It stars Will Ferrell who becomes the main character in a story that is being written. He has no idea what is going on but there is constant narration in his head and its both humorous and deep. Some days I feel like someone else is writing this story of my life only the author in my head is a bit of an idiot and we have the same day over and over.
This morning during church I was crying, again. Boohoo, I know. At one point I looked straight up to the roof and in my head I was like "really? can you make this stop?" I am just to the point where I am all done with this crying. For me it is a sign of weakness and I effing hate that I cannot control it. I cannot tell you what year I moved back into my parents house but I can tell you the exact day that I started crying and give or take 3 or 4 days it has been non-stop since July 18, 2012. Pathetic? I know. I am not putting down people who cry, it's natural it's normal but for me it is not okay, mostly because I don't understand why it starts and I cannot make it stop. Control issues, much???
The last few weeks have been overwhelming. I am on the worship team at church and I love it because all I wanna do is sing. It appears that whenever we have practice (thursday's) or perform (sunday's) Those are the days that are the worst for me. This last week I was asked why I was always so angry during practice. To which I, in all humility mind you, snapped and said I am NOT angry. Well played, Maria, well played. This last Thursday I came to practice in tears and proceeded to sing on and off due to the incessant tears flowing. In my effort to keep it cool I come off as angry. I know this, can't seem to fix it.
Here it is, I am all done being by myself. I am all done taking care of myself. I am all flipping done! This is where it gets pathetic......I have always been just fine being Auntie Ria, or the big sister, or Joe and Sina's daughter. It's an honor to be any of those things and I love every thing that I am to all of these folks.
For 12 minutes last summer I was finally somebody else's, not really, but in my head I was. I was happy. I was the prettiest girl in town and someone loved spending time with me. As all houses made of straw are this one, too, blew right down with the slightest breeze and it was over as quickly as it began. I am still not sure what part of it I am mourning. Was it the 6 second fairytale ? Was it the fact that someone wanted to be with me? Was it that I created a make believe world that only I dwelled in? I don't know.
Here's what I do know, I was very independent. I would see couples and think "oh that's cute, but I'm fine" I was fine..... until I got mine. It's like my recent kettle corn discovery. My life was just fine before it and I could swear up and down I wasn't missing out until I tried it then I don't know how I lived without it. (That was a stretch, but I've never tried drugs so it had to be the corn) There is something that tugs at your heart when you are standing shoe-less in the pouring rain and someone is holding their hand out waiting for you to grab it. Again, fairytale-esque but pretty breath taking even after all this time. It's funny how little thoughts still take my breath away, no matter how angry I am.
This is where the pathetic part stops........
This morning the pastor was referring to our lives as books. The question was posed "if you shut the book today and stopped reading your story what would your life look like?" Well it would be absolutely pathetic. 35 years later, living in my mom's basement and taking my parent's for a road trip to get gas on a Friday night. (Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and we have a fabulous time doing whatever we are doing) the pastor continued and asked "have you forgotten who you are?" this is the point where the tears started. I have no idea who I am. My identity is no longer standing out. It blends in with my surroundings and is clouded with confusion. After the summer I did just stop reading my story. I don't want this to be where my book ends. God is still writing and here I am not participating.
I don't wanna toot my own horn, but I am an amazing friend. If you've met me since July you will know that what I just said is a crock. I seem to be apologizing to everyone I know for my erratic behaviour. I used to be so cool. I feel like I'd be hard pressed to convince anyone of that now. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am recognizing that there is this valley I am walking through which has changed me and made me question everything I know. Through this whole thing I have not felt sorry for myself, I am not like that. I am just struggling to figure out where the really cool, super fun, dorey-like girl is. I am not fishing for affirmation, also something I don't need. I am just stuck in this muck, if you will.
I hate moths. If there is one blocking my path to a destination, I will stay put until it moves. It's quite humorous in the summer when all three of us girls are screaming in the kitchen at 1:00 am over a tiny moth taking flight. The pastor spoke about darkness and how we let it control every part of us. I have been desperately trying to focus on the light but I always drown somewhere around 7:30 or 8. Night time is the worst time for me and only today did I get a glimpse of why. You know that moment where there is a moth in your room but the lights are off and you can hear it? Worst feeling ever. I just realized today that I let all of this paralyze me just like that tiny moth. It's a small issue that I can rise above but I always let it suck me in. Then I lay there terrified that I am never going to get anywhere in my life and blah blah blah...enter the tears, my poor pillow.
Back to the book, God is still writing my story and some days I am so excited and expectant about the next chapter. It seems that lately I just shut the book and I don't want to read anymore because I am so disgusted with where I have let myself end up. This is part of life and I can't beat myself up about it. I also can't just lay in the dark and let the moth control my movements.
I need to open the book and actively participate in what God is doing without going back and reading only the chapters that made me happy. Because all of it, from the beginning is what has made me who I am and really, I am pretty awesome, but, I'm also really lost and confused.
I am constantly reminded of being still and knowing. My Jesus is so patient with me, I do not deserve that. I have pushed and tested the limits so hard but He is still there, still holding out his hand waiting for me to grab it and that is the most incredible feeling. I know He has got to be disappointed in me but He still stands there in the rain, with me, next to me, carrying me or just holding out His hand. I am truly loved no matter how big of a stupid mess I am. My book isn't finished and this is not where it will end. I do have hope for the future and am working on not letting my current circumstances consume me.
God knows what I need and He will eventually get to the chapter where I have a live-in moth killer and the night time will be something to look forward to rather than dread.
I am loved, I am blessed. I am still and I know.
