If you know me, you know I hate crying. If you see me crying, pretend like you don't see me. I HATE crying. When there are those moments that I cannot control it and I do cry, it makes me so mad that I cry even more cause now I'm mad. A sweet little girl thought I was crying the other day and she said "no, don't! you'll mess up the make up" It was perfect because that is exactly how I feel about it. I spend a lot of time putting this face on, I'm not trying to cry it off.
Okay, so are you getting the point? I don't cry. Cut to a couple weeks ago when I went to see the movie, I Can Only Imagine. These lame eyes welled up at the title and I sobbed through the whole thing. My logical response was "oh gosh, there is something wrong with me". I was not okay until the next day, even then I was a bit off. Thinking it was a fluke, I make my sister and mom go with me again to prove to myself that something was, in fact, wrong with me the week before. I packed tissues...for them. This time I did not cry at the title. It started a few minutes after the title. A scene comes up where I just know my mom and Alex are gonna lose it, I hand them tissues and say "you're gonna need this". By the end of the movie, these two girls haven't touched their tissues and I am, once again, a crying, snotty mess...and my make up was jacked! I get home and realize I am not okay. Now, I start to go through all the possible reasons that I am acting a fool, there are no obvious physical excuses. It turns out I became a sappy crybaby overnight.
There was something about this movie that struck a nerve in me. The movie is based off the life of Bart Millard. Bart is the singer of a band called MercyMe. Bart wrote a song called "I Can Only Imagine". The band has written numerous songs, most of which capture my most painful moments and remind me who is in charge of my life and why I will survive those moments. The words this man has written are indescribably relevant to my life and always bring me to tears. Bart experienced abuse and abandonment for most of his life. He tried to get past it and live the life he thought he wanted but, he couldn't. I don't want to give anything away because you have to see it. Bart realized something had to change in his life and he had to take a huge, painful step to get that accomplished. Through all of it came immense blessing and love he never knew was possible. All of that allowed him to write this music that kills me every time!
I was not beaten by my father and my mother never abandoned me. I did not travel with a band. I do love to sing though! I am singing or humming almost the entire time I am awake. It is a part of me, it is who I am. He had to sing, but he was stuck, I connected with this part of the movie. Then, it finally hit me like a ton of bricks!
If you've been following this blog you know that I started writing because my life took a crazy turn a few years ago. My only outlet during this time was to write, so I did. Prior to this event, I had 2 important passions, singing and photography. Singing was my true outlet, worship was my ultimate outlet. Getting lost in worship where it's just me and my Jesus and nothing else mattered, that was where I was most at peace, most content. When this happened, I stopped singing. I didn't even sing in the car. I was all done. We were church-hopping at the time and ended up at a small church that needed help with their worship team. My mother made sure I was a part of it. I did it, I hated every minute of it. I couldn't feel it. I hate when people say that, it's worship for the love of Mike, but, I was that person. I dragged myself to practice and Sunday mornings. I just played the part, I'm a great actress.
After about a year of this jazz, someone started attending the church that was going to be the new worship leader. We hadn't met formally and my mother wrote a skit that required me to sing a song. She said "Ray said he'd play piano for you". I show up on a Saturday and he knows nothing about playing the piano for me. He doesn't know me from Mariah Carey, he literally only knows my name, he assumes I know what I am doing. I tell him him that if he can't play the piano then I am not going to do it and we can just forget it. He made me sing the song with the background music after I specifically told him I couldn't because it is too high. This arrogant fool plays it and tells me to sing. 1. you don't know me. 2. turn up the music. He is busy while I am struggling to sing this song and I told him not to worry about getting the music for it, we'd just play it because I can't sing it. He stops me in my tracks and says "I heard you sing this song. This song is part of you". 1. you don't know me. 2. are you cutting onions?
It was a short 30 minute interaction with this man I didn't know that literally changed everything in my life. Ray starts to lead the worship team and we just click. I can read him and I know where we're going and when I don't know where we're going I still follow along. I have never experienced anything like this before. I was in the zone and more importantly, I was worshiping. I spent a year in silence and then, just like that, I couldn't stop. I have not stopped ever since that chance encounter with Ray Austin. I have been stalking him ever since.
Ray never knew the story about why I stopped singing, to this day unless he is reading these blog posts, he still has no idea. He didn't need to know, I never needed to tell him. He saw this broken princess and pushed her in a way that no one else ever has. Not singing was detrimental to my life. It sounds silly but, it was my lifeline. I cut it off and had no idea how it affected me. It was literally killing me. There is this line in the movie, The Shack, "If pain is left unresolved you can forget what you were created for". I forgot, I let the pain take over every part of my life and just stayed there stuck in this swamp. Ray has this crazy way of making stuff happen, whether you want it to or not, it's happening. This man saved me and didn't even know it. That is what happened in the movie, that is why it affected me so much. Someone pushed him to get over himself and rediscover his passion. He thought he was living his passion but, he wasn't even close. Bart's manager knew he was hurting and he said "stop running from it. Let that pain become your inspiration". He had to face the pain and deal, that is where I was. It's so weird when you see it play out in front of you.
That year or so where I wasn't singing, I was running from it. I thought if I closed myself off from everything I would be okay, I wasn't, I was dying inside and it was the most difficult time in my life. Ray unstuck me from myself. He pushed me to keep moving and he didn't even know. A year or so ago, Ray almost died. It was a scary time for everyone involved. 2 months later this beast emerges like nothing ever happened! He started singing a song and I lost my crackers! God has such an incredible call on his life. He is a miracle and I am so fricking blessed to have him and his wife, Jodie in my life. God knew what he was doing. When we have the chance to sing together I jump at it. Even if it happens after 7 pm. I miss cues, I am off key, I am flat, but he just lays on the C and waits for me to pull it together. He never lets me give up, no matter how hard I want to. I needed this, I needed him, I needed this movie to remind me of where I was and where I am. I have never been a confident singer and still to this day, struggle with it. This man pushed me to fight through all this nonsense and do what I was created for. Even if I am singing in a basement for the rest of my life, I am living out what I was created for and I am not shutting it down again!
Ride or die, to the end yo!
