Disclaimer: I am writing this with a furiously broken heart and I will not apologize for anything that seems harsh or un-princess like!
I was going to write this blog last night because for some reason, no matter what I do to clear my mind and stay in the present, the past creeps in like an undetected disease. But, I pulled myself together and said "this is a moment that will pass and you won't be as angry tomorrow" and then....... it was Wednesday. It was actually a pretty good day. I was in the present, which has it's own issues. For example, counting pennies to keep my budget and the lady at Costco says I can't purchase anything until I renew my membership. My eyes fill with tears as I hand over money I don't have. Blah blah blah, a churro and a Pepsi smoothed that wrinkle.
Then sure as I'm breathing the past walks right up to me and sucker punches me in the throat.
A few years ago I became reacquainted with a childhood friend. He worked with us at my parent's restaurant. We became fast friends. Best friends as we called each other. Let me explain what that meant. He knew me better than I knew myself. We were connected at the hip. We would finish each other's sentences we would know the punch line to the other's wise crack before it was said. My mom made this yummy blueberry cream pie at the restaurant, I didn't like the blueberries so he would eat them and I would eat the custard cause he didn't like it. One piece of pie, two happy kids! Things like this. I'd never known anyone who was so much fun and so amazing to be with. We were never in love. This was the true definition of best friends. I loved every minute of it.
I've mentioned before that my life was going through major changes inside and out in the beginning of 2008. God was doing some intense cleansing and I was a wreck, literally. My only solace, this friendship. In the midst of this God breathed chaos my best friend sends me a text to meet at Starbucks. Yay, just what I need coffee and my bff.
Let's go to Starbucks shall we?........ We sit, we chit chat about nonsense and out of the blue my very best friend in no uncertain terms says "Maria, you need to find a new friend" What the *$%#??? Talk about a shot through the heart. No reasoning was given. Just that he was going in a different direction and I shouldn't let myself get "all upset about it" then he said, because he knows me so well, "I know you're gonna get in your car and fall apart" ummm thank you???
And that was it, the end of the fairytale friendship. Except for a few awkward texts of how fabulous his life was and one very uncomfortable photo session to jump start his business, we were history.
I have only shared this story with two people because I was so ashamed of how it ended and with no explanation it sounds like I must've done something so ridiculously unforgivable. It was only recently that my sister had the courage to ask what happened.
Fast forward to a couple hours ago in the Costco cafe. This previous bff walks up with a huge smile and greets my family and myself. Of course, it was expected that I greet him. We do the usual "its been forever how are you and the family?" That's what princesses do, they put on a smile give a big hug and act genuinely concerned about your life. Here I was, completely crushed on the inside and totally collected on the outside. I was blown away by the fact that this is the exact situation that came up last night and made me want to write a blog. That 4 minute interaction took so much out of me I had to take a bath to relax my body.
Here's the part that ends me every time something like this happens. This man expected me to just greet him with open arms and speak with him as if nothing has ever happened. "We're Christians, forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones, we're adults now, come on" My response to all of that Are you EFFING kidding me? What gives you the right to treat someone else like that? Who the hell are you that you think you can take someone's heart, use the pieces you need, smash the rest and toss it out the window while I am standing in your dust with no understanding? What kind of person does that? Your history is not me. I am not that person and I do not deserve the funnel effect of the hurt you were caused.
I can hear my mother right now "life goes on, let this go, it was forever ago, you don't even see each other" I see her point. This one event changed me forever. I pushed it down and covered it up with "the glad game" and rainbows and pixie dust. But it has always been there and until recent months was never thought of. But history repeats itself and here I am blogging about my sad life. Boo-hoo, blah blah, shut up, silly girl!
I am who I am. I have NEVER been different. I am real I am honest and I am a great friend. But I have feelings and I am not a machine. You can't just take advantage of people and use them so you feel better all the while convincing them that you are friends. I do not just become friends with people for this exact reason. In the rare instance that I do make the effort to be your friend it's because I think you are worth it and worth this possible outcome. No matter how I am treated I could never be that person to spit in your face and stomp on your heart. I could never deal with the guilt of knowing I am the reason for someone's broken heart. I cannot believe the effing audacity that I am expected to just be okay and be happy to see you.
It's not fair. This is the reason I say that I don't need people. Let me clarify, I need people and I treat people in my life with respect, whether you deserve it or not. What I don't need is more heartache and memories turned into a heap of pain that comes up when it's convenient for you to make a scene and prove what a fabulous person you are sacrificing your really great reputation to associate with the likes of me. You made it clear I mean nothing and you never needed me. Got it, loud and clear don't hurt yourself falling all over who you've become. I was there day in and day out. Sharing your hurts, drying your tears. No one else cared.
I am not a heartless wretch and I have never understood why it is okay for people to treat me as such. If you are in my life I am truly grateful for your presence and perhaps this will explain my need to keep you at arms length. I love going out and being with friends when I actually follow through, but I will almost always cancel or postpone because I cannot handle more "oh my god I love hanging out with you, you're so fun" and then radio silence.
Alayna always makes fun of me for my fascination with the friendship of Tony and Ziva on NCIS and whenever something happens and even when they are just in the same screen shot she says "don't cry Maria, are you gonna cry?" She's joking, I know. But that relationship, the true friendship that is portrayed is what I get emotional about. I've never seen it displayed outside my own experience. So when I get all teary eyed it's because I know what it was like and I long to grasp just a piece of that without sacrificing everything inside of my being.
If you don't plan on staying then don't bother coming. I am not a revolving door.
