Finding Ria

Have you seen Finding Nemo?

Marlin has lost his son and has a mere...well...dingbat to escort him through his journey. They experience so many obstacles. After a glimmer of hope appears in a pair of goggles with an address they still face many obstacles. You can see that Marlin is becoming weary but he must get to his little boy and he still is on the path with the goggles of hope. After they out run a falling ship marlin notices they've lost the goggles to the dark abyss of the ocean. You can hear Marlin lose what little hope he was clinging to. Fish don't sink unless there's nothing left to swim for. This was that moment. He darts down after them but It's too dark, he's just lost what he thinks is his only chance to find his son. Dory, oblivious to the hopelessness, starts singing "just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming swimming swimming what do we do we swim" the last thing Marlin wants to do is keep swimming.

Have you been here? It's a crazy scary place to be. To be perfectly honest I am there right now. On the outside I'm very much Dory. Ask anyone I'm with for more than 30 seconds they can concur. On the inside though, I'm tired of swimming. I'm exhausted. There's too much up and down. I'm supposed to be over my grief. Apparently there's some sort of limit of acceptability to grieving. I'm the first to tell you to get over it and it's just time to get it together. I'm not a wallower, so my exhaustion stems from the continuous fight within myself to put on a good show. I'm a great actress and this is clearly the reason why Hollywood is in the state it's in. This way of life literally breaks you down. I'm not choosing this by any means.

There is unfinished business in my heart and I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is not nearly done with this situation. Naysayers of course are reading this and thinking I've completely lost all sense of reality. But its the mere reality of the situation and not the stubborn strong will of a girl in disbelief that has put me here. I know this is abnormal behaviour but I also know that there is more peace in my spirit when I believe that God has this and it is out of my control. My control consists of running, forgetting the pain and moving the heck away from the drama.

I'm a big girl. I've grown up and I know the difference between sitting in it willfully and being put in a position of waiting. So here I am waiting. Not putting my life on hold. Still living, still doing. My "doing" doesn't have quite the same fervor it used to but I am still doing.

This journey is marked with tears and scraped knees. God knows my struggle. He knows my heart is broken. He knows where every piece fits and only He knows how to put it back together, perfectly, stronger than ever. I never saw myself here. I never knew just how fragile this princess was. This chapter is revealing more about me than I ever knew and a lot more that I never wanted to know.