Snafu

sna•fu [sna-foo, snaf-oo]
— noun
1. a badly confused or ridiculously muddled situation

     Some days are good days.....most days are good days. Then there are days like today. I don't feel like I should have these kinds of days. I should rise above. I should see it coming and smash it to the ground. Well, today it smashed me.
    
     Now if you were with me today or spoke to me you were not aware of this event. Why? Cause I'm cool like that and made the decision a long time ago that this is my own private battle. I'm pretty fun to be around and no one needs to deal with me not being me. Let's face it, I'm hilarious and the world needs my jokes! 
    
     I have been back and forth with this thing and I just do not understand why I can't do this. I want so badly to leave this behind and run like the effing wind in the other direction. This was the argument I had with God before breaking down in the shower. It's crazy and unnerving how one thought can bring pure elation and at the same time, absolute devastation. I am so done and at the same time, so stuck.
    
     I feel like that is where the battle is. If it's done and over I should be done and over with it. Right? It's done. It's over. The signs were clear. They were everywhere, everyday. Then why the overwhelming confusion? Why the chaos in my head? Why the constant pull in my heart? Why the tears in my eyes? Why are there still all these whys? Enter the snafu.

     I don't know and I don't have any answers. My heart hurts. I am more lucid now then I have ever been. My body is clear of any altering medications. My mind is clear. None of it makes sense. The battle within is that I require things to make sense and I can't make sense of this one thing.
   
     This morning while the battle started to rise up I read this from the Bishop "The time God is really moving in your life may seem to be the lowest moment you have ever experienced. Most believers think that God works when the blessing comes. That’s not true! God is working on you, your faith and your character when the blessing is delayed" It was a gentle reminder and by reminder I mean slap in the face that I am exactly where God wants me to be. 

     My Jesus has such a funny way of bringing things around full circle. A few months ago I wrote a blog called "Aht lo leh-vahd" which at the time, turned me into a puddle of tears and mess. This morning I was catching up on the NCIS that I missed on Tuesday. There is a tense moment between Tony and Ziva where she says " I buried my father it was a moment of weakness I felt all alone" and Tony says "maybe my Hebrew translates differently because I specifically remember telling you that you were NOT alone" Open the floodgates, this girl lost it. There are moments of absolute chaos where I "feel" like I am all alone. Those moments are dark and terrifying. My mind and my heart are in two completely different places. My mind is logical, my heart is whimsical and completely illogical.  God knows my heart, He knows my hurt, he sees all of those tears that I hide from everyone else during "The Maria Show" He knows that I let the dark consume me. That's my human nature. At no point, in any of this, have I been all alone. That is the power of one's mind. It can convince you of anything and I always fall for it. 

     These days it doesn't take much to fall into it. Some days I don't even have to trip into it, some days I jump! I am NOT alone. At the lowest points, when I am physically alone and think there is no way it will ever change, My Jesus is right there. His loving arms are wrapped around this heap of chaos. Even when I don't acknowledge His presence it is there and He is there holding on and waiting for the darkness to pass. 

     It was a beautiful day but inside there was such a storm raging. This little boat was being tossed all around. I drowned it in Pepsi (which by the way was not a good idea). I vacuumed the crap out of the carpets and scrubbed my car like I was cleaning up a crime scene. I did all of this to avoid dealing with the chaos. It was the reminder of what TD Jakes said that stopped the tossing of this little boat. 

     God is moving in my life. He IS doing a work that, for the moment, is unseen. My job is to sit back and trust the unseen. I can see a lot of things and believe them but true faith is trusting in the unseen. It will still be a battle but my partner will always be right there holding my hand reminding me aht lo leh-vahd. He is my one true best friend and He will always do what is necessary to protect me. 

     I will leave you with this. This is part of a song from the band Shane and Shane. It perfectly encompasses where I am

Though You slay me, 
yet I will praise You
Though You take from me, 
I will bless Your name.