End Scene

     I don't remember the address or the street of the house I frequented more than my own at one point. The other day I passed the elusive intersection and for the first time in 2 years I felt absolutely nothing. No twinge, no flip in my tummy, no flutter in my heart and no tears in my eyes. It was weird and I thought perhaps something was wrong or that I had gone completely over the edge and would not return.

     It's been 4 weeks since things came to a boiling point. I planned a weekend away to visit a friend to avoid the pain that the end of September would bring. I knew it was coming and all week I tried to remind myself that I was okay and had already come so far. My trip was cancelled because as usual God has my life in his hands. The weekend went off without a hitch, publicly. We did a skit at church which consumed my Friday through Sunday. No time to sit and and brew, or so it seemed. The skit was fantastic and I was so very proud of those kids who cracked me up for the last 3 days. While inside I was literally holding on by a thread.

     The following Tuesday was the end of an era for me. My girl, Ziva David from NCIS, was making her final exit from the one thing I could zone out on. The one thing I have relied on for the last 18 or so months to take me somewhere else and forget about life for an hour or 7 depending on the day ;)
Ziva had been MIA and Tony was on a mission to find her. He looked for months and followed every lead, after all he loves her and wasn't going to give up. He finally finds her in the home she was born in. Ziva is in a state of confusion. She knows what she needs to do and her present has just met her past. We find out through conversation, and Tony's backtracking, that Ziva is on a journey to discover who she really is and what she really wants in her life.

     I've realized in the last few weeks that I have lost 2 years of my life following and hanging on to a dream that I wanted, my plan. It's been made clear that my plan is not and never was God's plan. I lost that little girl who was so excited about life and touching the lives around me so they could see the light and joy inside of me and want the same for themselves. That little girl was a beast. She was so very strong and she kept me going. She would see a situation that could potentially crush me and SHE would know exactly what to do. 2 years ago SHE would've walked away. I took us down this path and ended up drowning in my own plans.

     It never ceases to amaze me how God can say the same thing to me over and over through so many different channels and I will straight up ignore it, especially when I need an answer. So my Jesus who is remarkably creative answered every one of my questions in a 4 minute conversation between Tony and Ziva. He wanted her to come back and start over again with him. Her response was plain and simple. "I have been running from all this and trying everything I can to figure it out. The center of all this pain is me. It's who I made myself. It's not who I wanted to be" with that I broke down.
That is the answer I have been looking for all this time. All of my "God WHY's" and "How can you let this happen" and "What did I do wrong"
It was none of that. It was me the whole time. I made myself this person. This hateful, angry, bundle of tears and anxiety. At the core was me.

     I've known for months that I need to start over. I didn't. I couldn't. I needed to walk away. I am the only one who has been bearing this cross. Put it down, stupid. Too easy.

     I went to visit my friend Barbara the weekend following Ziva's exit. She has just lost her husband of 33 years. The most amazing man in the world. Our stories do not compare, but oddly enough our pain and quirks about things do. I knew God had planned that trip for this reason. I have no right to act this kind of fool because what I am truly mourning is something that was in my head, my plan, my idea. I was extremely grateful for the 2 days I spent with this incredible woman. I came home from Longmont a changed girl. I knew I felt different after my NCIS breakdown but this just clarified it for me.

     I was left thinking clearly and weighing two options: I either let go of everything or I disappear. The jury has been out for quite some time on this issue and the verdict has been handed down: I WILL NOT disappear. That cross I was bearing was thrown out on the highway never to be picked up again.
I can finally and with all confidence say I AM ALL DONE!

         At the end of the show came the big tearful goodbye. Tony gives Ziva one more chance to come back and start over with him. She declines. He says "This is the hardest 180 of my life" That part almost killed me. This last 180 was the worst but I am here. I have been waiting for about a month to write this blog just to make sure it was not a whim. It's not. I am breathing, in and out. No chaos, no crying til 4 in the morning. No desire to lay on the couch and pretend I don't exist. I do exist and for the first time in a year I want to exist.

This girl is okay and will continue to be okay. Thank God!!!

Anyone up for the "Glad Game"?