Over the course of my numerous decades on this earth, I have been quite an up and down kind of girl. This flip flopping earned me the name Sybil by those who know me best. The last 4 years or so I have taken on a new persona, Pollyanna. It has stuck quite well and I prefer my life as Pollyanna. I can make the best out of any situation. Always finding the bright side. I could walk into a room and light it up. People would say "how do you do that?" I don't know, I just did it and I love being that person.
The last couple months Pollyanna has been interrupted, if you will. I miss her and I am working so hard to get that back. Just when I think I've got it together I crumble. It's ridiculous and I hate it. I hate that I cannot pick myself up and put myself back together. I have always been put together, at least on the outside, I never appear otherwise until recently.
I have been so sad lately I know, blah blah blah. The last few days I have just been angry. Not like "man that makes me mad" but legit infuriation. I am not mad at God, He knows what He's doing. He knew all of this was going down. Am I mad at someone? yes. It's not who you think though.....It's this girl right here. If I could sucker punch myself in the throat I would.
I made a pact with myself decades ago to protect my heart. In the last few months I let my guard down. Spilled my innermost fears and dreams, allowed walls to be climbed. Maria does not let that happen. Thus the anger. In the beginning there was a tiny little voice that said "you know how this will end, stop now because no one will pay but you" Did I listen? Nope, Pollyanna politely covered it up with rainbows and tulips and continued down the yellow brick road.
I get it, I'm the idiot. I know. I have never been so angry. It was my job to protect me. Believe me, the influx of "I told you so" looks and sighs have been received. No one is to blame but this silly princess. I know better, I have always known better. Got it folks.
I apologize to those around me at the moment. I am not myself. Please know I am doing everything in my power to pick up these pieces and sift through the rubble. I have never been here before and I hate every moment. The lessons I am learning, suck. I get it now.
I know there are people in the world and even close to me with more serious, actual issues. This is nothing in comparison, but to me, it is my world. Dramatic as it sounds this is where I am. I hate it, legitimately hate it.
Everything IS gonna be okay...just not today.
1 comment:
Dear Sweet Lady,
You were awesome before and you will be awesome, wiser and stronger after the dust settles.
Don't beat yourself up about taking chances. If you give of your heart and it's stomped on; that is NOT your fault. The other person is the idiot.
You are lovely Maria. One of the sweetest persons I know. I wish I could kick the but of who ever hurt you. But alas I cannot. Some day maybe they will realize their mistake and feel remorse over it.
Stay strong lovely Maria. Your spirit is an encouragement to us all.
In the meantime, feel mad, hug your dogs, cry, hug your dogs, feel lonely? Feed the dogs a treat and take them for a walk. Pretty much my answer for everything. Love the dogs.
And know of course that you are greatly loved by God and those who know you.
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