You never get a stain on that dumb shirt you hate. You never get a stain on the ugly "laundry day" pants. You will always get a stain on your favorite clothing. In my case this happens all the time. It's mostly coffee. I can be super careful and then look down and see my Momma's spaghetti sauce in tiny dots all over my white dress. It never fails. Guys, for the most part could not care less about a stain. Girls on the other hand will see the stain and go crazy making a tiny dot a 2 foot spectacle. We as girls, though, do a really good job of accessorizing so that the outfit is not a total loss. This is something I have become quite a pro at.
A year ago today my life completely changed. Everything I had ever dreamed of holding in my hands came to be on a deck with a glass of wine. It was the best day of my life. I have asked the question before "If you knew then what you know now would you have done things differently?" A year later my answer still stands to be yes. I would have run so far, so hard in the other direction.
This morning during church the pastor was speaking on God's will. He was discussing men of the Bible who faced and endured the craziest of circumstances and received God's favor throughout and were blessed by His Hand. He said something that struck me. I was already writing this blog when I heard him speak this morning. He said "do you think these guys would've gone along with the plan if God had laid out every detail beforehand?" Of course not. It wouldn't make sense.
So back to my earlier statement, had I known then what I know now I would've run.
I know that God has a plan and I know that He knows more than I can see or understand. I get that part. It's not God that I am struggling with. I have struggled in life before and I can look back at even the most minuscule of drama and see the positive or be able to say "well if that didn't happen this would not have come out of it" So here I am a year later trying so very hard to see the reason for any of it. I am at a loss.
I am the same girl I was only broken and shades of what I used to be. For what reason? It wasn't necessary. I was fine. I have not learned any new lessons. Although, what I already thought about my life had been confirmed. I am not any smarter or wiser. If anything I am more jaded and closed off.
It sounds like I am sitting in a huge pool of sadness and self deprecation but I am not. In fact, the last 2 weeks feel like a cloud has been lifted. I've been put in my place and I know where I stand. It was never real and it took me a year to figure that out. I am just baffled at the way humans treat each other. I could not imagine putting someone through this. No matter what I was faced with. Moving on into the future I could never take this experience and make someone else pay for it. It doesn't make sense. The only person who should be paying for it has moved on with their life and there you are inflicting pain on someone else and it doesn't even make you feel better. It's the most painful cycle I've ever experienced.
Years ago I heard someone talking about an argument they had with their husband. He said "am I always going to have to pay for what he did to you?" The wife said "yes"
What??? Are you kidding me?
How does that work? Your husband didn't even know this person. Why should he have to "pay"? It doesn't make sense. But it is the human cycle. Someone hurts you and you pass it on because you are in pain. I get it. But I could never do that. I feel like that is what I struggle with the most. What was the point? What did it bring me to? I am constantly second guessing myself. I replay conversations in my head to make sure that I didn't sound like an idiot. I have turned from a butterfly to a wallflower because I just don't know who is safe. This is no way to live but this is the result of what has happened. This is the reason for the constant questioning and the ocd-like way of going through my days.
I can say that the one thing I am more conscious of is God's presence in my life. It was never in question. He has always been there and I have always been aware. I know that I am leaning on Him more now and I am grateful for that. But my relationship with Him was not in question or peril prior to this. As I said before what was the point of all this? I have no idea and maybe I will never know. I have lost a year of my life on this and I am not going to lose any more time on it.
My heart and my feelings have not changed. My heart is broken and it continues to break for the situation that is out of my hands and for the love that I lost, because that part was real. I am hoping to get to the point where someone asks for a haircut and my heart doesn't sink when I pull out my box of tools. It's just silly, I know.
This is a stain that will always be on my favorite shirt. I can cover it up, but I know it's there. I am not getting rid of my favorite clothes just because the promise of stain lifting isn't true. My Jesus is real and His love is real and at the end of the day that is what I need to believe and hold on to. If there was a lesson to learn it's that He is where my trust and loyalties lie and nothing can strip that from me.
Though you slay me-
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