Broken Windows

Today I had to let go of the most precious dream I've ever had.
My heart is aching my soul is screaming and my eyes are stinging. I want God to have total control over my life and I believe that He originally facilitated this dream into a somewhat reality. I know there was a point where my heart was like "screw reality you do what you need to so you can hold on to this as long as you can" That only lasts for so long before your heart ends up paying the price.
I'm Ria, I can hold crap together for a long time with no help from anyone. And I feel like in any other situation I'd still be standing there holding on to it. But I am certain with all that I am and all that is within me that God has complete and total control of this. This is not the end, although my heart will tell you a different story.

Every breath in feels like a mini heart attack and sometimes I forget to exhale. God's will is a tricky subject. It's so easy to say to someone else, cause it's not your heart on the line and it sounds so spiritual like you should have your own show on TBN. But when your heart is on the line the words "God's Will" are absolutely terrifying. But if your heart and trust and life are in His hands and you've committed to Him and no one else then it should be a breeze. NOT TRUE! I have committed to Him, I have turned it over for Him to take control. But I am human and my flesh is weak. My heart is frail no matter how big I talk. I am so scared that I just ruined everything I have ever worked for and will lose more of me than I am ready to give up.
I HAVE to believe that God knows all of this. He sees my shattered being and my endless tears. He knows I have trouble breathing and that my heart hurts. He also sees the end result. He knows. He's got this. This is His now. All my windows still are broken but I am standing on my feet. That's where I am and that is where I will stay.