Glitter in the air

I'm not feeling so good today. I know this is all part of the process and I am not complaining. It seems like all my defenses have started to come down and I know that it comes with the territory. How can I honestly expect God to come in and transform this mess without a struggle? It doesn't work that way. I committed to this and I do not quit. Although my anxiety is in overdrive, I need to trust that He will reveal His plan in His timing, not mine.
My life will not be in order tomorrow, but my heart will be more aligned with what He has for me than what I feel I have to have for me.

 
Have you ever thrown glitter in the air? It's starts out fun and it's so shiny and sparkly and unpredictably patterned. Then you look down and it's still sparkly but the beauty has dissipated and all you can see is a huge freaking mess. No matter how intensely you sweep there's always some rogue glitter taunting you knowing you won't win this battle. There is no other way to describe my life right now.
I'm a sparkly mess. I'm always the first to tell someone else to give it over to God and let Him take care of it for you. I should take my own advice.
This afternoon I needed to dispel some angst. While cleaning and blasting Metallica (I know, gasp!!) I had a revelation. My anxieties are a direct result of my inability to trust that God knows what He's doing. As hard as I try I cannot make things happen that I believe should be happening. There's a tiny part in my head where peace and serenity and understanding flow. I can breathe there and although the chaos still swirls I can rest knowing that my life is in perfect hands. It's the bigger part of my head that takes over and literally suffocates an otherwise pleasant Pollyanna and causes all sorts of nonsensical thoughts and actions to occur.
The goal here is to return to the Pollyanna I used to be. Not the girl who got lost in the shuffle and the girl who needs to control everything.
I'm not naive. Life is real and it hurts and it's a struggle. But when you're in the right frame of mind the glitter is gorgeous..... no matter where it lands. The clean up becomes an adventure rather than a burden.