day 5

Although I don't wanna punch a baby today I still feel like I'm grasping for understanding. I know Satan's plan is to jack me up during this fast and he's working me over pretty good. I just need to remind myself why I'm doing this and what this is all about. The key here is that it is not about me.

Remembering to breathe is becoming harder. Just take a breath, Ria. It's difficult to be the fixer and not be able to fix one flipping thing in your own life. It's not my job to fix. It's my job to give it to God and let him do it. That has always been a source of contention between us. "I got this God" has never worked out before and why 34 years in can I not get it together and just release what is His anyway. Because I am a control freak, I'm the boss. "Don't worry I'll take care of it, you go I got this". My brain is set for pit crew clean up all day every day.

This fast is not about losing weight cause I can do that. It's about refocusing and recentering myself with God's plan for me.

The last two months have been the best and worst of my life. All the jumbling and roller coaster emotions things I never imagined I could feel or would have to experience or would never experience. It was total high one day and body slammed the next day. Everyday something else, something intense, something amazing, something devastating.

The last six weeks are indescribable in the best and worst ways. I know God knows what He's doing. I'm not scared. I'm not anxious. I'm learning that all that stress and shakiness and anxiety goes away when I breathe and call His name. That's where I belong. Safe in his arms while the storm swirls around and knocks me over. He's there holding on to me for dear life. While I am clinging to Him like a three year old climbing a scary terrain with her daddy. "I got you baby, you're safe with me I won't let you fall. I won't let go"