Puddle Jumping

Maelstrom: a restless, disordered, or tumultuous state of affairs

This is word for word where I am at.
I am not crazy, contrary to what I say or do.
I was a bit lost for the last couple weeks, undescribably lost.

If you know me at all you know that I love sleeping. Sleeping is my favorite! You will also know that I love nothing more than sleeping during a thunderstorm. It is thundering outside and until 6 minutes ago I was in bed.

I literally lept from my bed to write this.

I have heard the word maelstrom before but never knew its meaning. Tonight it was in my devotional. When I looked it up I could not believe how it described exactly where my heart and mind are. You don't need the details of why or what the storm is exactly.

I stated earlier that I have been a bit lost, let me explain. The last few years have been the most pleasantly sublime of my adult life. No stress, no drama, no crazy. The last few weeks on the other hand have been nothing but that! In 2008 my life changed in that, my entire world came crashing down and God took all the pieces and made me whole, dependent only on Him and His plan. The last few weeks "my plan" has been falling apart and with that I let myself crash and turn into the girl I despise the most. She is, in fact, bananas!
There is a movie called "Peaceful Warrior" this guy has to come to terms with the fact that his life is no longer in his hands or how he has planned. There is a scene where this comes full circle and he is fighting with his inner self. The question he asks is something like "why can't I let you go?" the response is "because you don't know how to live without me"
Tonight I realized I was holding on to that girl that I know I CAN live without, but couldn't understand why I was holding on to her. As Alex says "she cray cray"

I am the happiest, silliest, funniest person I know! ;)
But the last couple weeks I have been an obnoxious, weak, angry girl who wants to sucker punch everyone in the throat! (On any given day I will still wanna punch someone) That is not who I am. On a daily basis I would look at myself and be like "what are you turning into?" I never wanted to revert back to that girl but I realized I had and it got the best of me and I hurt people I love the most due to my uncontrollable fits of ridiculousness. I am not justifying my behavior but I am saying I knew it wasn't the real me. I used to be able to breathe without being reminded, today I checked my pulse 3 times to make sure I was still working like I should. This is not normal.
I had a talk with my best friend and realized that I am holding on to a dream that is ruining my present. That is not the Ria you know and love! The last thing I wanna do is ruin my present. I love my life and I love who I am, not what I was becoming.

Let's revisit the maelstrom for a moment. It is described as a whirlpool of restless disorder. I will admit I feel my life is in that state and for the last couple weeks I have been the captain of that ship. Tonight I realized it is not my ship and I have no idea how to even drive the frickin boat. So I turned over the controls. I am still in the maelstrom. It's my mindset that is different. Chaos is in fact swirling around me. The terrifying unknown also there. Where am I? Smack dab in the middle while it is surrounding, sometimes suffocating me. The last couple weeks I let it consume me. Like I said in my last blog my windows still are broken but I am standing on my feet, that has never been more true. I am standing on my feet and my God, My Jesus, My savior is holding my hand and we are jumping in the puddles of the maelstrom. Don't ever pass up a chance to jump in a puddle! I am soaked and I am at peace.

I am also breathing.