My stomach is empty. My head is full of prayers. It seems like every breath I take has a prayer attached. Everything's jumbled and nothing is making sense but I'm still praying. My heart hurts. Not like a broken hurt, more like an uncertain hurt. I know that God has me in His hands. I know He knows my most secret desires and cries. It's not that I am wavering or feeling like He may have let me go. It's just so hard to keep it together. Falling apart is not a viable option. I feel like if I do let myself crash I am not trusting completely in Him. I do trust Him, but I'm human and I still hurt. I hate hurting. I hate crying. I hate when my weakness shows through. I can fix anything except for Ria. It's not my job to fix or protect her It's His. But it is my job not to fall so easily knowing the frailty inside. I know it. I jacked myself up. I knew what was going to happen and tried to convince myself that I could over overcome my past and be a big girl. Obviously this is not yet an option. Will I ever break free of the hold of my past and insecurities and weakness?
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